The Rock n' Roll Reaper
by LightInTheCauldron
Summary: Urahara Kisuke was once the most popular musician and record producer in both worlds, until The Incident. Now he has a chance to get back on track, but is it worth it? See my profile for an art contest related to this story!
1. Making Memories

I do not own Bleach. That is why this is FanFiction. Chapter named for a Rush song.

* * *

_I._ _Making Memories_

Urahara Kisuke stirred as sunlight began to dance over his still sleeping eyelids. He rolled over and grumbled; trying to ignore the fact that morning had come. A cool breeze drifted through his open window and lifted some papers on his desk into the air and across the floor. Not wanting them to be lost out the portal, the drowsy shinigami got out of bed. Looking at the poorly drawn scribbles, Kisuke remembered that they were for some type of invention he came up with; after taking a few sleeping pills (hence the inferior quality). Not sure of _what_ the schematics were for, he put them back on his desk and delicately placed his laptop over them as a paperweight, which was what the human designed computer was best for anyways, since he had long ago built his own, superior system. But hey, it was good for storing and hiding his porn.

Kisuke walked over to the window and let the early spring air fill his lungs before he started coughing lightly from the resulting exposure to allergens. He grumbled again and looked at his clock. Crap, it was quarter of six, he had overslept! Kisuke left his bedroom and started to quietly move about his store/home, forgetting his hat on the dresser. He wasn't late to start working, and there wasn't a secret mission to perform. He was late for his quiet time in memory lane.

Not sure if Yoruichi was still there, or out prowling about in cat form, Kisuke made sure he made as little noise as possible until he reached the door to what seemed to be a closet in the very back of the building. Checking his immediate area, he slowly unlocked it and slithered in, swiftly closing it behind.

The shinigami stood in the dark room for a few seconds before clicking on a light. The surprisingly vast room lit up and showed off a hoard of achievements. Almost all of them unknown to his friends. The walls were covered in platinum and gold record awards, pictures of he and assorted bands hung nearby their respected decorations. Two Grammy's were on a shelf on the opposite wall. A large mixing board hooked up to Kisuke's homemade computer was at the end of the room, and just past that was the soundproof recording area. This was Kisuke's studio, built entirely by him in the good old days when he was both a performer and producer. Before the Incident.

Pressing his ear against the entrance, listening for anyone who could have followed him, the reaper decided to enter the soundproof room. There sat a beautiful grand piano, kept in the best of conditions for something that was hidden from everyone. Closing the door to the smaller area, Kisuke sat at the keyboard. After warming up, the space was suddenly filled with the sounds of Chopin's Ballad in G Minor, each note gracefully played better than any virtuoso and bouncing ever so slightly off the walls, back to the shinigami. After playing the elaborate piece, Kisuke smiled and patted the piano like it was a good friend, which wasn't a stretch. He let his mind wander and soon he was once again playing an elaborate jazz improvisation that was soon led into Liszt's Sonetto del Petrarca No. 104.

"Impressive, I forgot how absolutely gorgeous your playing was…" a soft feminine voice whispered in his ear as he finished. Kisuke's hands slammed onto the keys as he screamed. Right beside him sat Yoruichi, wearing nothing but a very thin bathrobe and looking like she had just showered.

"When did you come in?" he shouted more in surprise than anger, he could _never_ be angry with her anyway.

"Ha, once you started up again after the ballad. Let your guard down, huh?" she replied slyly. It _was_ quite impressive how she could have sat in the same room as the scientist and he never once felt her energy or heard her open the door. "No matter how well you've proofed this room, I can still hear you when I'm in my cat form."

"Oh well," Kisuke chucked, "You, Tessai and Isshin are the only ones who actually know about any of this _anyway_ so it's no big deal. I think. Does Jinta know, and Ururu? Crap!" He started to walk about the small room in panic, sweat forming on his brow.

"Oh relax! Don't be such a dumbass." Yoruichi said with a laugh, "We're the only ones who know, I'd make sure of that. You know, it's not something to be ashamed of! Gods, I mean you're a genius with your art just as much as with science and math!"

Kisuke stopped his frantic walk and took a seat next to the purple haired, practically naked woman. "I know," he began with a smirk, "but, well you know what happened."

"Oh get over it!" she said, "that was _years_ ago. Time has moved on, and I'm sure a lot of people have too. It's only right if you'd join them now."

"Yeah, maybe…" he replied.

* * *

_The crowd before Kisuke cheered. He stood before them with a guitar he built himself, featured twenty eight strings and fifty frets. He started his solo, the notes shattering the very fabric that formed the air. He strummed notes all over the fingerboard, including some above and below the range that humans can detect. And then…_

* * *

"Kisuke, Kisuke…" Yoruichi said with worry at the blonde man beside her, who was looking like he was suffering an absence seizure. She stood and slammed her foot down on his. That brought him back to reality.

"Ow! What was that for?" he shouted, grabbing his injured appendage.

"You had another flashback," she said.

"Oh, yeah, never mind that. But damn!"

The two sat for a while, and they soon realized that they had better get started opening the shop. Tessai would be there any minute, and if the door was still locked he'd probably panic and tear it off. That was a bill Kisuke did not want to pay. The blonde man stood and started for the exit, Yoruichi remaining in the studio.

'You were so good…' she though as she passed by the pictures and awards.

"Coming my kitten?" Kisuke said at the door, smiling devilishly through the implied innuendo. Yoruichi rolled her eyes and followed him out, where he locked the door behind him. He then went to the entrance and opened his store for the lazy, shopper-less day he expected while his companion went to the dining room. It was another usual day, apart from the spy at his piano performance; until Urahara opened the front door to find Captain Kuchiki Byakuya waiting right outside. Kisuke screamed.

"May I come in, Mr. Urahara Kisuke?" the man before him said in a tone that left the former captain frigid. Yoruichi came in and dropped her bathrobe at the sight of the man whom they feared for so long, since the Incident. It seemed that retribution was at hand.

"Oh good, I see you have a show prepared for me Mr. Urahara Kisuke," Byakuya grinned at the naked woman standing terrified before him. That killed the tension. She instantly picked up her garment and covered her body from the strangely lustful eyes of the captain.

"If you have any tea that would be lovely. We have much to discuss Mr. Urahara Kisuke, and I trust you will cooperate."

"Eh, okay. But please, Sir, stop calling me "Mr. Urahara Kisuke", it's annoying," the grey eyed man said, trying his best to keep his cool.

"No problem! Come, let us talk!" Byakuya replied. This was weird. No, this wasn't weird. _This_ was on a level of strangeness similar to the kind one would feel when they wake in the morning and find that they have been transformed into a giant vermin. The black haired captain sat at the dinner table while Urahara began preparing tea. The three sat quietly, staring at one another until the boiling water for the beverage was ready. After Byakuya had a long sip, he sat back, completely unlike a noble and more like a witty schoolboy, and smiled at the man across from him.

"Kisuke," he began, "I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but I'm willing to pull a few strings to get you _back_ into the Soul Society." Urahara dropped his cup and it shattered on the floor. "You just have to do one, tiny favor for me first," he finished.

Of course, there had to be a catch. "And what would that be, Sir?" Kisuke asked nervously.

"You were the best record producer both in the Society and in the living world, correct?" the captain said.

"I'd prefer not to flaunt but, I was _good_, I'll give you that," he replied.

"Good, I want you to record my debut album." Byakuya said, grinning madly.


	2. Getting in Tune

Chapter named for a song by The Who.

* * *

_II. Getting in Tune_

Kisuke blinked a few times. This was the most unexpected task that he had ever encountered. "Are you absolutely sure," he began, "I mean, after what I did to you…"

"Oh that was nothing," Byakuya started, "just a few deep scars on my back from shrapnel when your amplifiers exploded at the last concert. It happens to everyone."

Urahara ran his hand over his unshaven face. That was just as odd. Byakuya was seriously injured in that blast, spending seven weeks in Squad 4's general hospital. He had then sworn revenge for having his noble, "perfect", body damaged. It was something that both Kisuke and Yoruichi feared, and why they had panicked when he was found standing outside the shop. But for him to pass it off as nothing he had to be either incredibly high or very forgiving. And he was not well known for the latter.

"Well, if you're sure," the blonde shinigami replied. "Do you have any of the preliminary materials, you know, like lyrics, music. All that stuff."

"I have a few words, but I'm not one for the music, you know," the captain answered. "I was hoping you could fill in that little gap. I also have a title for the album; I was hoping to call it something like 'My Bankai'."

Yoruichi was trying not to laugh at the terrible title choice. Kisuke ignored it and continued with his business.

"Well, not having any melodies makes for a challenge, but, sure I'll fill in all the music for you," he finally answered after pondering just _how_ he was going to accomplish this task with so little preparation made on the part of Captain Kuchiki.

"Great! I even have an idea for the cover," said captain began, "it'll show me on a pink couch looking out to the camera in a very lonely but _very_ sexy way."

Yoruichi stood and left at this point, hands covering her mouth and tears in her eyes. Once she was a safe distance away, she let out all the built up laughter, hopefully going unnoticed by Kisuke's client.

"Okay, I'm free any time during the day, just come by and we can start running some demos in my studio," Urahara said. His partner returned at this point, exhausted from the fit of hilarity and sulked into the chair next to him.

"Sounds good." Byakuya replied "Now, I need to find some backup singers who look the part. Where's the nearest, um, how shall I put this, 'gentleman's interest club'?"

"About ten blocks west on Third Street there's a place called Jane's Secret. Try there." Kisuke answered very quickly. The captain grinned and was off, without another word.

"I want to know two things," Yoruichi started "first, what is he on, and two, how the hell did _you_ know about that place?"

"Well, to answer the second one," Urahara answered cautiously, "when you're off gallivanting between dimensions, a guy gets lonely. For the first, I have no freaking idea." His companion gave him a quick whack on the head for his answer about the strip bar, but settled down, realizing that it was only natural, being male and all.

"It has to be ecstasy, LSD or speed balls," she said in reference to Byakuya's strange behavior.

"We'll find out eventually," Kisuke began and he headed to the phone. "Why don't you get dressed, I have to call an old friend about this and see if he can come over to help me."

* * *

The phone rang loudly in the Kurosaki home, waking a very angry Ichigo. Who the hell was calling him at nine in the morning? It was a Saturday and he only had gotten ten hours of sleep the night before! Someone was going to pay. He answered, and was ready to smash it into the wall when he heard Urahara Kisuke on the other end. After arguing for two minutes, Ichigo was ready to hang up; until he found that the call was for his father. Ichigo was puzzled but gave it to Isshin.

"Damn, that boy of yours needs discipline. Ever consider military school? I hear they have some brutal ones in America," Kisuke said on the other end.

"Long time no see you old dog," Isshin replied loudly, nearly shattering his friend's eardrums (and those of his family). "So, what happened that you're calling me? Did you get Yoruichi pregnant; oh I'm so happy for you if that's the case!"

"No, that's not it! I need your help. Byakuya hired me to record an album, and he has no band or music, so I figured I'd call up my old drummer and see if he'd be willing to…"

"I'll be there in half an hour! Good gods we're finally getting it back together!" Isshin shouted.

"No, just session work," Kisuke corrected.

"Who cares? I hope I can still smash the skins like I used to the old days! That reminds me, I'll have to get out my old ass-less chaps! Remember how the girls melted when we wore those?"

"No, wait!" Kisuke shouted back but there was only a dial tone on the other end. Uh oh. His day was already going strangely enough; all he needed now was his best friend showing up with his ass hanging out in the breeze.

* * *

The entire house shook as a mountain of empty paint cans, newspapers, baby toys and tools fell on top of Isshin.

"Dad, what the hell are you doing?" Ichigo snapped as he began climbing up to the attic. He screamed when he saw his father's rear-end airing out from a very old and ragged set of chaps.

"I'm getting out my old drum kit! Kisuke _needs_ me!" he shouted like a superhero.

"Wait, you two were in a band? I know you go way back but I never heard this story," the orange haired teen said.

"Oh yeah. About thirty years ago he and I were in a power duo, if you can call it that. He sang, played guitar, bass and keyboards while I banged the drums all day."

"Ah ha," Ichigo nodded, not buying the story. His dad _was_ one to stretch the truth.

"We even made a record, and toured the Soul Society dozens of times! A one hit wonder technically but still, it was _aweee-someee_!" Isshin said the last part like a giddy schoolgirl. At this point Rukia came out of Ichigo's room and took a look up to the attic to find the sourced of the noise, only to see a middle-aged man mooning her.

"Ichigo," she said very calmly. "I think I just went blind."

* * *

Ichigo and Rukia found themselves in a record store in the middle of Karakura, digging though the bargain bin and any stack of used audio they could find.

"What exactly are we looking for," the short girl said to her companion.

"Dad said that he and Mr. Hat and Clogs made a record. I have to hear this, see this and ultimately destroy this."

"I heard of them when they were big, but never bothered with it. Too busy at the academy. I can't remember the name of any record they made though. Or even if their group had a name," she said, digging through dusty piles of The Archie's, Sam the Sham, and other oldies.

"Yeah, you don't seem too up on pop-culture anyway, midget," he said idly. Rukia smacked him over the head with an old vinyl record, snapping it in two.

"Crap, uh, hide this," she said while stuffing the broken merchandise under a rack. Hopefully no employee (or security camera) saw her.

"Oh…my…god…" Ichigo started, "I think I found it." The strawberry headed reaper held up what appeared to be a CD in great condition. Far from what he had expected. On the cover stood a barely dressed woman. She had one hand over her stomach while her large breasts were carefully censored by an assault rifle she was holding in the other, the rifle appearing as if it were on fire. The lone name of "Urahara" was found in the upper left corner. The title stretched across the model's face, called "She Got Guns".

"Ha, not too risqué, huh," Rukia said while smirking. Ichigo nodded with a smile of equal amusement.

"It's only five bucks too. I'm buying this!" he said practically laughing.

"I hope it's not for that picture!" she said, suddenly feeling threatened by some jacket that had been made thirty years ago. Ichigo couldn't help but sigh. 'Women' he thought.

* * *

Kisuke was lounging about this store, trying to come up with hooks and riffs as he played with his hat. "Some people think there's too much…hate…in the world…but I say there's not enough…" he sang, then paused. "Ah this sucks. I just don't _feel_ it," he said to nobody in particular.

"How about some of that fancy mystic tea I ordered from China, boss? They say it'll cure what ails ya!" Tessai said, hearing the frustration in Kisuke's voice.

"Last time I had that I was in the bathroom for hours. No," he quickly responded. That was not something that was very high on his list of things to experience again. Just then Ichigo burst through the door with Rukia.

"Ichigo! What brings you here? Where's your dad, he should have come by now," the blonde scientist said while putting his hat back on.

"My dad's still in the attic getting his drums together. I think he's found a few but still has a lot to go." Ichigo said while running a hand through his hair. "But enough of that; look what I've got!" He sang while flashed the CD before Urahara's face.

"Oh no." he began.

Yoruichi came in to see what the fuss was about. "Oh you found a copy of it!" she squealed as she saw the jewel case. "Let's hear it!"

"No, that won't be necessary…" Kisuke started.

"Come on, it's been years since I heard it!" she answered.

The two began to argue. Ichigo and Rukia looked at each other. Is this what they looked like to everyone else?

"Fine!" the former captain shouted. He took the jewel case and examined the disc inside. "Hmm. I remember these! They were a type of media so you can listen to the songs on one side, and watch the video on the other. I have a player just for this in my studio. It's probably one of the few copies I brought with me to the living world to get some cash."

"You mean a DVD player?" Rukia whispered to Ichigo and the two laughed.

"Wait, you know how to use one of those?" Ichigo asked, he was just about to be hit upside the head when Kisuke returned with what looked like a DVD player, but with a cone on the top where the images supposedly were produced from. After a few minutes of setting it up, the player was ready (although the clock was still flashing 12:00).

"It's been a while since I heard this too," Urahara said while putting the disc in. Ichigo, Rukia and Yoruichi gathered around the device. Tessai went outside to help Jinta and Ururu clean, not wanting to disturb his boss. A grey hologram appeared above the cone and began counting down. Kisuke could swear he heard Ichigo jokingly say 'here comes two' as he sweat in embarrassment. It was about to start.

A driving guitar and drum lick screamed in as the image of a loosely dressed woman appeared. 'Shit, I don't remember it being _this_ bad!' Urahara thought as the video played. It featured him running around with a guitar while wearing ass-less chaps like Isshin's, and doing horribly risqué things with the model. The song ended to his relief, it wasn't so bad after all. At least his guests liked it. Must be all that MTV.

As the title track faded, the next song began, and the lyrics instantly horrified Kisuke:

_She'll touch me,_

_Oh, she'll touch me here_

_She'll work her way down, oh yeah,_

_She'll touch me, she'll move…_

"Okay that's enough of that one!" Urahara said while skipping to the next track. The next song opened with a very catchy guitar riff as Kisuke was surfing, on a giant wave of heroin. The chaps were gone here, but in their place was a very thin jumpsuit, and, uh oh.

"Mr. Hat and Clogs, please tell me you wore underwear for this…" Ichigo began, Rukia giggled uncontrollably.

"Uh, this one was banned because, well, you can see why…" he replied, while sulking. (A.N. this is a parody of Doctor Rockso).

_Rockin' all day, ain't got much time,_

_I'll steal your money and your horse too._

_If it's looking bad, I can get some more,_

_It won't be a shame,_

_I'm gonna surf on Brownstone in my veins._

_I ain't am alcoholic and I don't like gin,_

_But I'm a rocking reaper and I do heroin._

_Someday soon in a jail I'll be in,_

_Coz I'm Captain Kisuke and I do heroin._

The song went into a long guitar solo before being cut short; apparently everyone was too high to figure out how to end it correctly.

"Okay, I think we're all tired of this…" Kisuke said, ejecting the disc.

"It was good, strange, but good." Rukia said.

"Yeah, all I needed was a beer and some dope and it'd be the best thing I've ever seen." Ichigo said sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah," Urahara said, red with embarrassment. "We can see more later, right now I have to get work done for Byakuya's album.

Rukia giggled. "My brother's making a CD? Keep me posted on that!"

"Don't worry, I will," Kisuke said.

"I'll have to listen in to see if is sucks, or _really_ sucks!" she began though laughter.

'I can only imagine...' the blonde man thought as Ichigo and Rukia left.


	3. Walk on the Wild Side

Chapter named after a Lou Reed song.

* * *

_III. Walk on the Wild Side_

Kisuke was once again sitting idly on the floor of his living room, this time trying to count his hair. He was up to sixty-three (not counting the seven strands that fell out when he had pulled on them) when a loud thud at the front door greeted him.

"Kisuke!" Isshin sang while pounding on the door, "I got my drums together, let's jam!"

The blonde shinigami stood smiling and opened up the door. Isshin stood with his kit nearby and was practically glowing. Urahara looked over the drums.

"You're missing your floor tom…" he began but was cut off.

"Yeah I think I turned it into a stool for Masaki so she could relax more when she was pregnant with Ichigo. Don't worry, I have a bucket!"

Both men shrugged. Hey, better than nothing! They were both soon hauling the large kit, that seemed to rival that of Keith Moon's, into the recording studio. No easy task considering that Kisuke had kept it hidden so well that the doorway was a tad shorter than most to give the impression of a useless closet. Once the last of the drums had been relocated, Isshin began to impatiently pound on them with one old drumstick and one makeshift one that seemed to be made out of a short tree branch and a chopstick.

"You know, those don't cost much, especially on a doctor's salary…" Kisuke said while looking at the beaters. Isshin was about to jokingly make an obscene gesture but was stopped as the front door was heard slamming open followed by the sound of several chattering women. It seemed that Byakuya had returned with his, uh, "backup singers". Both men left the recording studio to greet their client, but it seemed as everyone was more interested in the floozies than work. After a few long minutes of perversion, the atmosphere began to sink to normalcy.

"So, do any of these ladies have experience singing? And, since this is _your_ record and all, do _you_?" Urahara said as one of the whores took his hat and began to play keep away with it, though it was hard to keep it away when he showed no interest at this point.

"Well," the captain began, "I think that Ginger here has _some_ experience, she sings and dances. And Cheeks here is a great baritone."

"Okay, that's good, wait, what?!" Kisuke looked over to the one dubbed "Cheeks" and found a woman with unshaven legs and a full beard. Isshin cringed and backed away.

"Well, she's pre-op," Byakuya started.

"I gathered," the former captain shot back.

"Well, I got him slash her for _you_, since you, well, you're bi aren't you?"

Kisuke looked at Cheeks.

"Wanna walk on the wild side, buddy?" he/her said.

He sighed. "Okay Cheeks, if you want we can head upstairs and, and see where some vodka takes us."

The transgender walked upstairs, but his/her "romance" did not follow. Knowing that the prostitute took the bait, Kisuke looked back to Captain Kuchiki.

"Well, do you have any singing experience?"

Byakuya looked down, shuffled his feet, and mumbled. Apparently not.

"Okay, come into my studio and we can run through some scales to find your range, and warm you up, then we can dabble in putting music to your lyrics."

The three men entered the studio, with the four girls following. The captain looked over some of the pictures and awards on the walls.

"You produced The Smurfs? Very impressive," Byakuya said while looking at a photo of Kisuke kneeling down behind a group of seven Smurfs as they held a miniature platinum record award.

"Yeah," he replied with a little disappointment in his voice, "They were great; until Papa was found dead from cocaine overdose on top of that hooker. Never could recover from the loss. I think at least _one_ of them is still alive…"

"Ooh, ooh! You worked with Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem too?!" the black haired shinigami squealed, completely out of his usual behavior.

"I backed them up on bass a few times as a substitute, nothing too big. Then things fell apart there when Animal got euthanized. But enough about that. That's the past. Let's make some _new_ memories and someday I'll have a picture of _you_ up here, and _you_ will still be big! And alive!"

Byakuya took the ego massage and gracefully entered the soundproof room.

* * *

Three hours later, Byakuya's voice was finally starting to sound halfway decent. His range was a bass/baritone, though he could hardly hit the higher notes without his voice crackling. His timbre, however, was absolutely terrible; William Hung could do _far _better than the nobleman. Ironic considering how pleasant his speaking was. During the exercises, Isshin had to periodically leave so as not to piss him off as he laughed uncontrollably at the singing spectacle, especially when his entourage of loose women started getting involved.

"Well that was a good start, Captain." Kisuke said through the talk back mic. It was a solid lie. Most of the warm up was drowned out by giggles and squeals from the whores. "Now, if the ladies would _kindly_ step out, we can start laying down a demo. Is your voice up to it?" Byakuya nodded as the women filed out and started to grope Isshin, much to his delight and displeasure as he still loved his late wife dearly.

"You know what kind of a melody you want for your words, so just sing a basic line of it, and I'll see if I can refine it, and then we can start putting some accompaniment down."

"Oh, oh, ah! Post-op scar!" Isshin shouted as he glanced at a particularly homely woman's ass. Kisuke smirked and rolled his eyes, then pressed 'record' before sending Byakuya a signal to start. What came out was a highly unrefined version of the title track, referring to sexual actions and the captain's bankai as a phallus. Kisuke hid behind his fan the entire time, trying to hide his insanely maddening smirk. The only real lyrics consisted of _"You stroke my bankai, yes, my big, big sword."_ The rest of the song was nonsensical "la, la, las."

"Byakuya, hey, let me stop you right there."

"What, did it come out bad?"

Isshin looked at his friend, smirking.

"No, it's not that. It's, well let us take it from here and put some music to your melody. Maybe we can add a verse or two…"

"It was terrible, wasn't it?" Byakuya said frowning.

"No, no, it's great for a demo. Let's just cut for a break, and yeah, I'll see what I can do in Pro Tools." Kisuke replied as the captain exited the soundproof room smiling. He gathered his women and proceeded to the living room, where an angry Yoruichi fumed out and joined her friends in the studio.

"What is the meaning of _that_?" she screamed, causing both Kisuke and Isshin to cover their ears.

"It's his backup group, nice to see you too…" Isshin said with heavy sarcasm.

"Hey, you knew what he was looking for…" the blonde man started.

"Yeah, but I didn't think he'd _bring_ them here! Where the hell is he staying anyway?" she shouted while thrashing about, just barely missing a few pictures on the wall.

"Well, it looks like we'll have to share a room tonight." Kisuke winked, Yoruichi sneered.

"Not gonna work, this time at least. I'm too pissed. Anyways, how's this project coming along?"

"Well, we have one demo vocal track. And if I were to judge the entire album off that, I'd say… shit sandwich."

"Hey Kisuke, do you still have that microphone you invented on the last tour?" Isshin jumped in. His friend only raised an eyebrow.

"You know; the one that you gave to Tessai so he could back us up and not sound like crap."

"We never got to test it fully…" the shinigami trailed off.

* * *

_ As Kisuke reached higher across the fingerboard of his custom made guitar and into the range that humans cannot hear, a loud crackle began to overpower the crowd. Seconds later, an amp exploded, sending shrapnel across the audience. Those nearest to it fell instantly as fragments shattered their skulls. Isshin stood in horror, knocking his drums over. A cymbal flew through the air and cut one poor fan's head in half, just as he was about to give the metal horn salute. Crows began to circle…_

* * *

Kisuke fell to the floor, his eyes rolled back entirely. Yoruichi did her best to bring him back to reality, and eventually pulled out smelling salts from a nearby desk. He came to, slowly, and with a massive headache from slipping out of his chair and smashing into the floor.

"That was the worst one yet." Isshin said, his usual humor all gone. "I think you may have a minor form of epilepsy brought on by post traumatic stress disorder. If you want, come by my clinic tonight and I can prescribe you some pills that help with anxiety."

"No thanks," Urahara said, "I can drink it off if it gets bad."

"Uh, no! Not again!" Yoruichi said. "You were in rehab for a year because of drinking away the pain after we left Soul Society. Unless you can pay for it yourself, we're not going down _that_ path." She then looked to Isshin. "Give him the pills. If he won't take them, I'll _shove_ them in if he's having a bad day!"

"Lucky for you," the doctor began, "I have another kind that _is_ a suppository, you can have that one for emergencies if Mr. Genius here is being a fussy baby!" Kisuke sighed and grumbled, giving thumbs up to the pills.

"Just to be safe, I'm taking your booze away."

The blonde man gave a puppy dog look but it went unnoticed. His partner quickly went up to his room.

"Hey, wanna walk on the wild side?" a deep voice greeted the dark skinned woman.

"Kisuke! Who the fuck is _this?_"


	4. Crank It Up!

Chapter named after a song by The Gone Jackals, the band who did the soundtrack to the old and very awesome point and click game, Full Throttle.

* * *

_IV. Crank It Up!_

Ichigo grumbled as his alarm clock went off on what looked like a potentially beautiful Monday morning. A day that he would be forced to spend entirely learning about the Cold War era, trigonometry and other things he would never use after graduation, which was thankfully only a few more weeks away. After getting his uniform on he waited for the usual assault by his father, but soon remembered that he had spent a few nights at Urahara's to work on Kuchiki Byakuya's album. Things were certainly nicer without him around in the morning! Ichigo ran a hand through his hair in a futile attempt to neaten it and, for a drastic change, actually smiled a little. Until he went to wake Rukia in his bedroom closet.

"What the hell stinks in here?" he shouted as his short companion jumped awake.

"Good morning to you too, asshole…" she said yawning. It was then that Ichigo discovered the source of the offending aroma.

"What do you think you're doing?" he said, his eyebrows twitching the entire time.

"Getting up." Rukia snapped.

"Not that! I mean, when was the last time you took a shower?"

The small girl thought about it for a second. "I think Thursday night. Yeah, the hollow hunt on Friday kept me too busy, so I skipped. Then, after hearing Urahara's CD on Saturday, I was a little inspired to write my own."

"You haven't bathed in three days?! What is wrong with you? And what does stinking have to do with making a CD?" Ichigo shouted, waking the entire neighborhood.

"I was going for an Alanis Morissette look…"

"Shower. Now!" the orange haired shinigami yelled while pointing in the general direction of the bathroom. Rukia mumbled and headed out. Ichigo immediately blasted a whole can of air freshener into the closet.

* * *

After looking into the mirror, Rukia realized just how bad she looked. Her hair was a greasy mess, sticking out at odd angles from lack of care and her skin looked as if it had a darker tone to it from a few days worth of dirt, sweat and assorted particles from the air of Karakura Town.

It took close to an hour, but she emerged from the bathroom looking (and smelling) like a girl adopted by a noble family should; which was much better than the average high school student in her peer group. She'd have to remember to use this to her advantage and flirt with a few guys, just to piss Ichigo off.

Speaking of the devil, he was soon shouting upstairs for her to hurry up so they wouldn't be late for class. A minute later, she was dressed and running after her companion, hoping that they could arrive before the tardy bell sounded. Due to their secret jobs, they had been late several times this semester, one more and they would be spending a lovely afternoon sitting in detention.

* * *

The exhausting run ended as the duo barely made it into homeroom on time, only to find that their teacher had sent a message that she would be late due to car trouble. Good one, Fate. As the two reapers sat, some of their classmates began to act weird.

"Who reeks?" a voice shouted. Rukia's heart sank, as she carefully checked herself. Nope, she was clean, this was coming from…

"Ichigo, did you forget how the shower works? Dude, not cool!" Keigo shouted to his friend, who was quickly given a black eye. The raven haired girl almost went into hysterics as the whole class began to ostracize Ichigo, and he soon realized that the smell from the closet must have stuck to him when he tried to air it out. He looked to the girl in the row beside him who was grinning like a madwoman.

"I hate you," he grumbled.

* * *

The day passed slowly for the strawberry headed teen as he got strange looks and comments in every period. He had spent the entire lunch break trying to wash up in the men's room. It helped, but of course the fact that he now smelled like a men's room was just as bad. The final bell rang and he couldn't wait to get away from the school. And yell some more at Rukia, who not only made him smell horrible, but she also had the nerve to hit on some of the jocks in their class!

"This is all your fault!" he said.

"Sorry! Jeez, I only wanted a new look!" she said, trying to keep her dignity.

"You know the music is more important to a CD, not the look, or smell."

"Well, the look matters in this shallow world of yours! Hell, even in Soul Society it matters more than the quality of whatever it is you're doing. Humans suck, what can I say?"

Ichigo stopped. "If you want a new look so bad, follow me!" The two shinigami changed their course for downtown Karakura and headed for the shopping district.

"I'm not doing a makeover! Not unless I can get on TV." Rukia protested looking at the elaborate prom gowns, perfume sprayers and other expensive glamour products.

"You're not! Come here!" Ichigo said. They stood outside a small brick building next to a deplorable alleyway. The windows were darkened and it was very hard to see into the shop. A large sign with a skull decorated in blood and tattoos was on the front that read Satan's Den. As menacing as it was, the duo was soon inside. Rukia didn't know what to make of the shop. The owner was a gruff brute from America who probably came over to Japan to escape jail time. He had a handlebar mustache, wore sunglasses despite the poor light, and had skulls tattooed all over his arms.

"I'm not getting a tattoo Ichigo, not even of Chappy. No." she said, a little scared after seeing how the needle worked.

"Okay, then how about a cute little stud, in your nose."

"Uh…" she said, just as disapprovingly, but in far less words.

"She'll take it!" Ichigo said to the owner, appropriately named Roadkill.

"But…I…don't…" she squeaked but Roadkill soon had her in a headlock and was strapping her into the chair; with duct tape rather than proper restraints to prevent a squirming related injury.

"This doesn't seem to be clean…" she started.

"I use alcohol, it's clean. Now bite on this." Roadkill said to the tiny girl as he handed her a cork.

"Uh, when?"

"Don't worry, you'll know."

Roadkill held up the small diamond stud to the light, set it down and picked up his piercing equipment. Apparently piercing equipment meant an old thumb tack and a box of cotton balls to the little shop's horrifying owner. A loud scream echoed across Karakura Town.

* * *

"I hope you die in a horrible fire, Ichigo." Rukia growled as they walked through the city, heading in the direction of Urahara's shop. She held a wad of cotton to her bleeding nose, another already stuck up the nostril that was pierced and was already soaked through.

"Oh come on! Lots of girls have them and say it hardly hurts!" he said watching his friend sulk and walk.

"Yeah, but they don't go to deranged bikers to get it done!"

"For fifteen bucks, it's the best I could do. What do you want, the same thing done for a lot more money by some snooty salon girls?"

"I wouldn't be bleeding like this if we had, now would I? You cheap bastard!"

"You look adorable with it…"

"Good, remember that tomorrow when I might care, "she said, trying to smirk but failing with the pain in her face.

* * *

The walls hummed and throbbed with a heavy bass and drum line as Byakuya began to sing the chorus of a new track for his debut album. It was something about coming to a girl in the evening in a shiny Ferrari and perhaps heading to a coke party, but the lyrics were too abstract and difficult to hear clearly so Kisuke figured he'd leave it at that.

"This actually sounds pretty good." Isshin said while monitoring the audio levels on the mixing board, watching carefully for any clipping that could distort the fairly decent song. "My skins sound great too! Glad I still have it after all these years of not practicing."

"I wish the lyrics weren't so, how shall I say this, stupid?" Kisuke replied grinning as the whorish entourage of Captain Kuchiki began to once gain sing random "la-la-las" in the background. It was getting a little cliché, but it actually worked as a good female counterpoint to Byakuya's deep, yet still questionable, voice.

"A few synth strings, maybe a trumpet sound here and there and it's done! Glad we stayed up all friggin' night for it!" the blonde shinigami shouted.

The song came to a close and the pair of reapers stopped the recording process, smiling and clapping. Byakuya stepped out of the soundproof room with his ladies (and soon to be ladies) and took a small bow.

"I think we have a single to go out to the public!" Urahara said a bit gleefully, though he still hid his face behind a fan. "What's it going to be called anyway? I can easily get some people to market it but it needs a name first."

"How about something that the ladies will like. Maybe, Captain Pleasure."

Isshin tried his best to keep from laughing out loud, and failed.

"What is your problem, Kurosaki?"

"Uh, he's just really happy at how this is coming along, yeah, that's it!" Kisuke interrupted, trying to save his friend's ass. And lucky for him it worked.

* * *

Outside the studio, Ichigo and Rukia had just entered the store, finding little activity besides Yoruichi digging through the kitchen for a snack that was not jalapeño chips or mini burritos, as a certain man in a hat often enjoyed splurging on crappy food.

"Hey, Yoruichi," Ichigo said to the noblewoman as she dug through a cabinet.

"Oh, hey guys," she said, ignoring her current objective to greet the two visitors.

"You're dad's in the back if you need him Ichigo…" the purple haired woman paused as she noticed a difference in Rukia's image, and a lot of blood. "What happened to you? Hollow attack?"

Rukia shook her head and pointed to Ichigo. "This son of a bitch made me get a piercing from a biker!" She then withdrew the cotton and showed her diamond stud (which had to be cubic zirconium and not a real diamond) off to the other woman. The bleeding had at least stopped for the time being.

"Aw, that's cute." Yoruichi said, moving in for a better look. "You should be happy that Ichigo got it for you." Rukia rolled her eyes, trying to forget the incredible pain as a rusty thumb tack was forced through her nose, twisted to work it in, and then once more to make the piercing the proper size. She had nearly bitten the cork she was given in half.

"Yeah whatever," she snapped a bit and gave her orange haired friend a jab in the ribs. The two shinigami then went into the now not so secret recording studio, following the laughter of the artists inside. That could only mean one of three things; an orgy, a drug party or the CD was actually coming along. Then again, maybe it could have been all three.

"Oh dear god! Dad, why are you still wearing those freaking things?" Ichigo immediately shouted upon seeing Isshin in his ass-less chaps.

"I didn't even notice; it just seems so, Isshin." Byakuya said slyly.

"I think Yoruichi thinks the same since she hasn't said a word yet about them. And it's been three days!" Kisuke began, "Either she's lost her touch, or just expects it from you."

"So, Byakuya," Rukia started, but she was cut off as her brother was angrily staring at her new jewelry.

"Rukia, what on earth happened to your lovely, little, noble nose?" he said, speaking the last part a little fiercer.

"Uh, punk music?" she said in vain. Her brother simply grumbled and looked over to Ichigo.

"I don't know why, but something about this just smells of _you_," the captain said to a shaking orange haired reaper. He moved in closer to the weak prey, eyes scanning coldly over his trembling body as he backed into the wall. He moaned again and looked like he was about to kill Ichigo. It then seemed that Byakuya was about to reach for his sword, but rather he scratched his side and smiled.

"Thank you Kurosaki, my sister looks very nice with this new piece of jewelry, like a true noblewoman," he said, giving a quick bow, and then left for the living room with his parade of hookers.

"Huh, I guess it is kinda cute." Rukia said while feeling at the stud.

"H- Holy shit, I pissed my pants…" Ichigo stuttered, trying to hide a large wet spot on his trousers.

* * *

"So, you're thinking of doing an album too, Rukia?" Kisuke said to the girl sitting across the dining room table from him. She nodded lightly.

"I started working on some lyrics a few nights ago and in school. I don't know much about music but Ichigo taught me a few guitar chords. I put some over the words so I'd know what kind of melody I'd like."

"Oh, very nice." Urahara said, adjusting his hat. "Not quite a lead sheet yet, since you don't have the melodies exactly, but we can have that done in no time. Ichigo can probably help you too, as long as he doesn't suck that much as relies on TAB exclusively."

"I don't suck that much!" the shinigami growled as he entered the room, an extra pair of Kisuke's pants on, his own being in the wash to remove a vast urine stain.

"Sure," Rukia said ignoring him. She had suffered many a night listening to Ichigo desperately trying to transcribe guitar solos by Rush and Santana, only to fail miserably and nearly destroy his guitar in the process. He was impressed at how quickly Rukia had learned the few chores he taught her; in the end she'd probably best him on the instrument.

The small girl then stood and went to speak with her adopted brother. Ichigo looked on, admiring his friend, and happy that she was not about to murder him for forcing her into getting her nose pierced.

"You should give the captain's first song a listen, it's not bad…" Kisuke stopped as he looked to his client. What was he doing with his sister? It appeared that he was giving her a hit of some clear substance from an eye dropper…

"Shit! Byakuya, don't do that!" he shouted, his hat flying off as he stood. It was too late, the drop it Rukia's tongue.

"What is it?" Ichigo said in mild panic as Yoruichi joined them.

"He just gave her acid!" Urahara shouted. "Grab her and take her into the studio, we have to see how the "trip" is, if it goes bad, get a big bucket and some towels!"

Ichigo soon was carrying his friend as she smiled goofily about, not looking at anything in particular, and holding her hands into the air, as she hummed something about "seeing the music."

"Well Kisuke, I guess we know what he's on now, huh?" Yoruichi said.


	5. Incense and Peppermints

Chapter named for a song by Strawberry Alarm Clock. Yes, I made Rukia high, I went there. I find that from looking over previous stories, I have a knack for describing trippy drug worlds, despite having never used illegal drugs in my life.

* * *

_V. Incense and Peppermints_

Rukia floated down a long passageway. The floors and walls were a black and white chessboard design, and the sky was a misty green and blue that seemed to pulsate to an unheard beat. She looked around and found that she was not floating at all, but was being carried by a giant pair of hammers acting as legs and a Rolling Stones symbol for a head. It also seemed that they _had_ to have been using some form of telepathy to move her. Rukia decided to ignore it and continued to look about the strange place. She saw what appeared to be talking chess pieces that were enjoying a cocktail party behind a door that was left slightly open but was promptly slammed shut by a sea turtle with chinstraps and a very angry looking face. Further down the hall stood Chappy the Rabbit, waiting for her to join him for a romp about a magical field that the antechamber was opening into.

* * *

"How long is she gonna be like this?" Ichigo said to Kisuke as he placed her down on a couch in the studio. Rukia was still smiling like a dolt, but now her attention had shifted to the slowly moving ceiling fan. She moved her hands around with it and giggled.

"I don't know how much of the crap she got," he started "but she should come down by midnight." Yoruichi came into the room with a bucket and several towels, just in case the acid dream turned into a vomiting nightmare.

"Stay with her, if the trip turns bad, she'll probably be too scared to leave the couch. To her, it could be a skyscraper she risks falling off of, and even for a short fall, the psychological trauma could shock her," the scientist said. "Now, I'm going back to the kitchen to get my hat, but I'll try to stay away from her. I don't want Alice here to think I'm the Mad Hatter…" He ended with an inappropriate chuckle. The only way Kisuke could know so much about tripping on LSD was if he did it himself. And given his history, it seemed logical.

Shortly after he placed his striped hat of questionable taste upon his head, Urahara was soon racing back to the studio to find a young noblewoman hopping about on the floor as if she were a bunny. A very stoned bunny.

"Should we strap her to a bed or something?" Ichigo asked as he watched Rukia.

"Nah, let her have some fun…" Kisuke started but was interrupted as a few awards came tumbling off a shelf after they were bumped into by the subject of the conversation.

"Actually, yes, bring her into my bedroom and keep watch _there_…" he said as calmly as he could as a picture frame lay in ruins and a Grammy seemed to have been dented. "It's upstairs, first door on the left."

"Come on Chappy, enough hopping for you." Ichigo said as he grabbed the wasted girl. She squired and bit a few times but after the short struggle, she was safely in Urahara's room.

"Hey buddy, wanna walk on the wild side?" a low voice said to Ichigo as he placed Rukia on the bed.

* * *

"Kuchiki Byakuya, this is completely unacceptable! You've endangered your little sister with drugs and I'm pretty sure you've been hitting that stuff too!" Kisuke shouted to the nobleman. A blank stare was the only response the scientist got as he stared the nobleman down in his living room. The captain seemed to be watching a rerun of some strange reality show which involved people eating live funnel web spiders for prize money. Most of the contestants were screaming on the ground as paramedics came to their aid.

"Are you on it _now_?" he said while adjusting his hat. Again, he only got a blank stare. "Well you answered that one for me…" Kisuke threw his hands up and removed himself from the room to join Yoruichi, Tessai and Isshin in a small guest room.

"Bad day, boss?" Tessai asked sarcastically, he was only shot a glare.

"Oh come on, Kisuke!" Isshin started, "You know _we_ were the same way. Not just while in the business but while at the Academy too. Remember? We'd always smoke about a bushel of weed on long weekends." Only a grumble answered him.

"And then there was the heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, crack, alcohol, meth, cat piss, chocking games, gasoline, pens, speedballs, bee and jellyfish stings, opium, darvocet, hydrocodone, and of course good ol' fashion LSD." Isshin concluded. Being able to name all the drugs he and Kisuke had done while touring must have been an incredible task, as the brain cells that were now dead must be in unheard of numbers. At least outside of Iggy Pop that is.

"At least we didn't get our family into it!" Urahara finally said.

"Yeah, you don't want an entire clan wiped out from too much "chlorine" in the gene pool, now do ya?" Isshin replied.

"Actually, I'm surprised at how normal your kids are, Isshin. Except of course for Ichigo, I don't know where he got his hot temper from…" Kisuke was cut off as an elbow met his face.

"Anyway, did you two end up using that mic you made for me with Byakuya?" Tessai asked.

"Why, yes." Kisuke said, suddenly ignoring the pain dealt by Isshin. "It's the _only_ reason that the last track we did sounds so good."

"Shouldn't you be worried what he'll think if he hears you say that? He's only the next room over." Yoruichi said, looking toward the door for any snooping noble.

"He's more wasted than his sister is right now. If he hears us, he'll probably think that it's a barbershop quartet of cats singing him a lullaby." Kisuke and Isshin said together.

* * *

Rukia had just about given up on chasing her beloved Chappy. He was too fast and too far over the next bluff filled with clovers and daises and she was fast running out of breath. If that three headed spider that looked kind of like Ichigo didn't have to trap her she could have made it! The spider thing was still with her, but it seemed friendly. But then what appeared to be a half bear, half horse approached her with a wild look in its eyes. She tried to run but slammed into the field, as if there was an invisible force field placed around her. It was already on top of her when it spoke in a terrifying tone, "Wanna walk on the wild side?"

* * *

"Mr. Hat and Clogs?! Get up here _now_!" Ichigo shouted down the stairs. Great. Looks like Rukia's trip went bad, and from the frantic tone in Ichigo's voice, it must be _very_ bad.

Kisuke slowly went upstairs, expecting to find Rukia vomiting all over the place like _The Exorcist_, but instead found her beating up Cheeks, who was now looking more like a bloody, rolled up carpet than an overly horny transgender.

"H, help, mmm, me!" Cheeks struggled to say as Rukia thrashed his/her face. The small girl was quickly apprehended and strapped to Urahara's bed with a few extra sheets he kept in the closet. Cheeks dragged him/herself away and eventually made his/her way out the front door. He/she was later found alongside a major highway where a lonely trucker picked him/her up and, well, they lived happily ever after.

"Now, you'd better not get any ideas, Ichigo." Kisuke said while looking at the spaced out girl. "A little S and M here and there isn't bad, but she's not able to make any conscious choices right now…" He concluded by giving the orange haired teen a very sly wink.

"Good, I'll remember that." Ichigo said angrily at the very thought that he would be so insensitive, and perverted to take advantage of poor Rukia was she was squirming about like a wrongfully imprisoned maiden, half giggling and half screaming, while strapped to a bed… Hmm, now that he thought about it… No, he wouldn't do that, not while she was spaced out at least. He'd have to remember to try this with her when she felt better.

"Your face is showing what you're thinking quite well." Kisuke said with a bit of amusement. Shit, Ichigo forget he was still in the room.

It was about 12:30 in the morning when Rukia seemed normal enough to go home with Ichigo. She was still giggled randomly and had trouble walking, but she had stopped hallucinating and was done chasing rabbits. She was awfully hyperactive though.

"So, Rukia. Feel like some fun to help you calm down?" Ichigo said, his kinky mind working all too well at the terribly late hour of a school night.

"Sure! Anything you want!" she chirped.

Ichigo only smiled wickedly.

* * *

Kisuke looked out at the two shinigami walking toward home and grinned madly. "You'd better be careful with that boy of yours, Isshin. Someday you'll be waking up to a very pregnant Rukia."

"Oh that would be great!" he shouted. "Oh Masaki, we'll have so many grandchildren that they'll have to make a new god just to handle all the blessings. And to give me some money for their college funds!"

"I think Byakuya's coming down too. We should probably call it a night."

"Yeah, so what's for dinner?"

Urahara froze. "Why don't you take your lazy ass, that is still hanging out in the breeze, and go home for food?"

Isshin chuckled. "Yeah, it's been a few days. Karin and Yuzu probably assume I went to the crazy house. Oh, and I need to get you those pills for your anxiety attacks! Shit, I forgot! Be right back!"

Isshin was soon running off into the distance. When he arrived at home, he said a very quick hello to a very angry Karin and Yuzu, who had apparently been woken up by the sounds of someone being tied up in Ichigo's room, and several other strange sounds that followed. Ignoring what his son was most likely doing, he made his way into the clinic and looked through a cabinet for the pills he wanted, before running back out the door and towards the Urahara Shop.

"Daddy! You haven't been here for supper in days! Will we see you again?" Yuzu shouted after him.

* * *

"Here, these are… the…pills." Isshin said, struggling to catch his breath from a marathon that nobody asked him to run. Kisuke took the bottle as his friend nearly fainted. He opened it and looked at the pills inside.

"Why are they shaped like birds?" he said while examining the medicine.

"Last patient I gave them to was four. She apparently saw her parents, making a beast with about seven backs and a lot of drugs in the process."

"Well I hope they work, last thing I need is another flash…" Too late.

* * *

_The partially decapitated fan just stood before Kisuke, hands halfway forming the metal horn salute. His tongue was flapping about madly in the air from the momentum of the cymbal slicing his head in two. The circling crows had descended on the audience, sending eyeballs, intestines and blood through the air as they attacked the living and scavenged the dead. The dead who's blood was on the hands of the singer, staring blankly at his own disaster. Another amplifier exploded and Tessai went flying into the panic stricken crowd. He landed on two groupies, their necks snapping instantly as the shrapnel rained down over the survivors around them…_

* * *

"Kisuke! Get with it!" Isshin shouted as his friend fell into another panic attack. He slowly came to, his face pale and covered in sweat.

"Take the pill. Now!"

"Fine…" Urahara said sighing. He took one out of the bottle and swallowed it dry, the strange shape scratching his throat as it went down.

"Don't take more than four of those in a day." Isshin replied sternly. "I don't think you'll get high, but it will drop your blood pressure. And I'm not crazy about having to lug a crash cart over here when we jam!"

"Oh don't worry about me! Go home and have some dinner, and enjoy your family. Well, do that last one in the morning, and like, sunrise morning. Not now."

Isshin smiled as he walked home. Kisuke waved goodbye and headed into his bedroom, which was now free of both Cheeks and his blood leftover from Rukia's attack. Yoruichi had apparently crashed in his room, and like Ichigo, his mind was forming naughty thoughts. He kissed her neck and started to whisper into her ear when she angrily pointed out the door. Kisuke grumbled and headed for the couch, only to find Byakuya cuddling up with all his prostitutes.

Disgruntled, he went into the studio and threw his spare sheets over the couch. "Meh," was all he said before lying down and drifting off to a fitful sleep.


	6. Rock and Roll Creation

Named after a Spinal Tap song.

* * *

_VI. Rock and Roll Creation_

Rukia woke up with a horrendous headache, and little memory of what the previous night entailed. Then she noticed that she was sleeping in Ichigo's bed with his arms wrapped around her and she easily put the pieces back together. Smiling to herself, she managed to escape the embrace unnoticed, though, with the piercing in her nose smiling was still painful, made worse by the migraine she had from getting high. She quietly grabbed Ichigo's guitar and headed into the attic to begin practicing her songs. Though she played mostly rhythm for self accompaniment, she seemed to be a prodigy of the instrument and could do far more complex parts. But she figured she'd wait for Ichigo to pick it up again, get frustrated on a simple scale, claim it was a piece of shit, where she would then show off her skills and piss him off.

After running down a few three octave scales and a fast classical etude she found online for guitar, Rukia began strumming along some chords while humming the melodies she eventually wanted to put her lyrics too. It was rather rough since she was still unsure how she wanted her songs to sound, so there were about three versions of each, and she only had about four sets of lyrics on hand. She penned most of them while in class, as the lessons she had in human school were completely useless to her in every way. Most were about her feelings of death, not fitting in (though not saying the true reason), and the better side of life; or a combination of hard rock and 1960s hippie songs. Despite her ability for the guitar, she was still very self conscious about her voice and didn't even like the idea of hearing herself sing. Let along sing her own lyrics. But after a while she got enough courage to attempt at least one verse.

It felt like a few minutes, but when Rukia came downstairs she was horrified to see Ichigo's alarm clock reading 10:42. Oh well, there goes school. She put the guitar back in the stand and crept into bed, though she wouldn't admit it to anyone but the man beside her, she was hoping to try at least try for a quickie before he got dressed. But as soon as she got beside him, Ichigo stirred and then shot up and screeched when he saw the clock. There goes that idea too.

"Goddamn, we're so fucking late!" he hollered, making Rukia's head feel as if a drunk driver had slammed into her while she was simultaneously hit by a speeding train. "Just great, this is gonna look real freakin' good on my record when graduation comes two weeks from today!"

"Will you shut up? My head is killing me!" Rukia finally shouted back with her head stuffed under a pillow, futilely trying to muffle his voice. "Why should you care anyway? All you do is bitch about school, and you already said that graduation is coming up, just blow it off!"

He finally started to settle down after hearing this. It's not like he had a huge amount of absences that would get him a front row in summer school. He _could_ use a day off, especially after the long night at Kisuke's, and the "fun" he and Rukia were having for a few hours after getting home. He sighed, smiled at the girl in his bed and got up to the door, where Isshin quickly decked him.

"Good morning, Ichigo!" he shouted to his son on the floor. "See, your old man still knows how to get the best of his opponents! Maybe in a few years you'll be able to…" he was cut off as Ichigo kicked his crotch a few times before angrily heading into the bathroom.

"You never show me respect! You must not love me," he put on a fake show of tears and jumped around like a child. Rukia growled and put another pillow over her head. "Oh, sorry Rukia, I forgot about last night." She only mumbled, hoping her headache would soon go away.

After he heard the shower turn on and the subsequent squeals as the icy water hit Ichigo (Isshin had a very long shower while the two were still sleeping), Isshin came into the room and sat down next to the small girl.

"You know," he started while smiling "I could hear you in the attic earlier. You're very good. I only wish Ichigo could do what you do and make millions of dollars so I can retire young."

The raven haired girl was immediately red. She did not want to be heard at all still, she lacked confidence and doubted herself at every corner. Even though she was being praised, the fact that she could be heard made her very embarrassed to put it mildly. It was though Isshin read her mind as he was soon giving her a gentle hand on her back.

"Don't worry! I was the same way when I started, even though I sucked major ass! Man, Kisuke wanted to kill me when he first heard me playing a bass drum for the captains entering the academy our second year with the rest of the fanfare band. I couldn't hold a beat, I was out of time and I could get no real tone. He tutored me for a year before I finally just the basics of it down!"

Rukia had taken her head out from under the pillows and was now sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to hide a generous smile on her red face. She wasn't used to getting recognition, or kindness. Mostly she was treated with bitterness from fellow shinigami in Squad 13 because "she got where she is because of her brother", and was brushed aside by the popular girls at school where she was seen as a flat, nerdy girl with poor taste in friends, despite how wrong that last statement was (though she wouldn't argue the first two that quickly).

"Well, I'm going to try to make breakfast since I missed Yuzu's. If you want, I can bring something up for you." Isshin said.

"Nah, I'll manage. Just let me get dressed first."

"Great! I hope you like pancakes with corn, jellybeans and a little hint of whisky!" Isshin cheered before heading out the door and downstairs to the kitchen.

Rukia gagged a bit, wondering if Orihime had taught Isshin to cook. Maybe they had been kindred spirits in a past life preparing meals for rich snobs in the days just before the revolution in France, where they were subsequently beheaded for creating such terrible food once the rebellion started. She smirked at the thought, but knew it was best to leave it secret in order to keep the peace amongst her friends. She finally got enough energy to get out of bed again and quickly slipped into a summer dress, stepping on a sleeping Kon in the process. He only mumbled something about a horrifying dream involving his beloved Rukia getting strapped to a bed and then taken advantage of by Ichigo… Oh well, if he remembered it as a dream then no harm was done. And it saved the hassle of having the furvert running about in shock knowing that it really happened.

As she left the bedroom, Rukia bumped into Ichigo who just mumbled to watch where she was going in his usually "happy" mood. She only rolled her eyes and mouthed back what he had said as he went back to his room. She then made an obscene gesture in the direction he headed before going downstairs. Surprisingly, the pancakes Isshin was making smelled rather good. Hopefully they tasted the same, since Rukia hadn't eaten since yesterday's lunch. And school food was hardly such, especially watered down pasta with stale tomato sauce and a cup of Jell-O that had to be seven years old. The same thing on the menu all week on top of it. Wonderful.

"There ya are! Almost done. Just a little touch of cinnamon and some butter!" Isshin said from the stove while he wore a red apron with the text "I'm not as stupid as I look" written over the image of a pole dancer. Certainly it did not belong to Yuzu, and Karin never cooked. Must have been a novelty he bought at Spencer's Gifts. Rukia sat at the table and the pancakes were placed before her.

"I call 'em Happy Johnnies. Hope you like!" he sang as he made his way back to the stove. The pancakes were, well interesting. Lumps of corn stuck out here and there, and the batter was a rainbow color from the assorted jellybeans with darker browns from the whisky. She delicately cut a piece off, bravely bringing it to her mouth. Despite the odd look and even stranger ingredients, it actually _was_ good. Ichigo now joined his father and girlfriend in the kitchen and frowned when he saw what was on the table.

"Dad, you made that shit again?" he said disapprovingly while watching Rukia stuff her face.

"You used to _love_ these! You'd run out to the kitchen when you knew that I was making Happy Johnnies, and couldn't wait! Your mother didn't like the fact that there's booze in it, but it burns off, so it's not like I was getting you drunk."

"I was only exited because when you made _those_ I knew Mom would make French toast with extra powdered sugar just for me _instead_!"

"Oh yeah, sure. How many times did you go to the dentist from the cavities you got from these?"

Ichigo got fed up and decided to leave the conversation all together. He did not feel like killing brain cells arguing over ugly flapjacks. Rukia was inhaling them, and wearing about as much as she had eaten. With all the crap in Happy Johnnies, Ichigo knew that he would be spending the day with a very hyperactive girl. Oh well, she could be more fun that way.

"Ichigo, I need to borrow your guitar," she said after she finished the strange food.

"So you're gonna start your record today huh?" he replied.

"Well I want to try a demo out."

"I hope you know enough chords, midget. Don't wanna make a shit sandwich now do you?"

Rather than knock his head off with a well aimed fist, she let it go, knowing she'd show him soon enough.

"Actually," Isshin started from his own plate of Technicolor pancakes, "I'll give you some money Rukia, and you can get your own. That way if my son is being mean to a delicate little gal like you, you won't be stranded without an instrument."

"Fine whatever." Ichigo said while heading back to his room. Isshin then gave Rukia about five hundred dollars.

"Get something nice, you certainly deserve it," he said with a wink. "Don't tell Ichigo, he'll be in a worse mood than usual."

She smiled and thanked him just as the devil they spoke of came back down, this time with his video camera.

"Shall we go? I want to get to Urahara's before your brother's whores leave any diseases on the toilet." he said. The two shinigami were soon out the door. Isshin still shoving his breakfast down. He'd leave in an hour or so, chances are Kisuke wouldn't even be awake still.

* * *

"Yoruichi, did you really have to flush _all_ my booze?" Kisuke said while listening to the latest Byakuya track. "It could really help me with this aural pain."

"Yes I did. You know I love you, but I can't let you kill yourself with the bottle every time you get a little depressed. Or in this case, tortured with crappy music," she replied. "Besides, what happened to using that special mic? I thought the last track was great?"

"The mic's on, but these lyrics are the worst I've ever heard," he grumbled. "Just listen to this!" he said, switching his mixer from headphones to speakers, allowing the room to fill with the Captain Kuchiki's labor.

_Let's go out to the party_

_With a shiny Ferrari_

_Ooh, you're dangerous, and I like it._

_Sunshine, bikinis, oo-la-la_

_Sex on the beach._

Yoruichi stuck a finger down her throat and made a hacking sound.

"Jesus, that _is_ bad!" she shouted.

"Two lines rhyme, and the rest is a bunch of nonsense! Hell, this is his fifth song and so far, every single one of them is about fucking!"

"He can't have his mind set on just one subject…"

"But he does! I mean listen to this one!"

_Let's go out in the night_

_Everything feels right._

_I want to hold on tight_

_And feel your body. Yeah._

"Oh, and here's one called 'G-String Beauty!'" he said. "I'm not even going to _play_ that piece of shit for you. I did have fun with it though, and used only the G string of my bass for the bottom end. Doubt he'd get the joke though."

"And the CD is still called _My Bankai_?" she asked.

"Yes." Kisuke sighed. "I'm surprised it's not called _Songs About Fucking_. Only problem is that a band called Big Black did just that back in the '80s. Damn, if this gets released in Soul Society, he's going to be demoted to the lowest rank possible. And with the_ title_ they'll probably give him an Asauchi and relieve him of Senbon Zakura," he finished while stopping the playback of the track.

"I'm sure he doesn't know, but I think he has created one of the best comedy albums of all time!" Yoruichi said while smirking.

"He'd be either flattered or would want to kill you for that… But yes, I think so." Kisuke replied before shutting down his computer to head out for a much needed break. "Keep it quiet though, I don't need my head on a pike."

* * *

"Hello, I'm Kurotsuchi Mayuri, and this is Eye on Soul Society," the current Squad 12 captain said before the synth driven intro to his television show began alongside a video stream featuring barely dressed young women of the Seireitei saluting before the four Noble Houses, in suggestive poses around the various squad departments and of course with Captain Kyouraku (who was winking and giving a thumbs up). When the introduction ended the scene switched to Mayuri standing before the projected image of a talk show stage, a monitor next to him, apparently to show clips in what seemed to be a show in the style of _The Soup_.

"Welcome," he began, smirking wildly from behind his face paint. "It's such a wonderful day here in Soul Society as spring unfolds. The flowers are blooming, fresh fruits are in the market, and lip syncing at spring festivals are all the rage!"

The monitor flicked on to show a scene of Vice-Captain Hinamori dressed in a spring kimono on a stage.

"Singing sensation Hinamori Momo was found to have lip synced her recent concert. She apparently started to mouth the words to the wrong song. Realizing this, she covered her face and did a hokey jig off the stage before slipping and falling down the stairs." The clip rolled showing exactly what Mayuri had described.

"Her body cast will be off by summer," he finished as the audience clapped and laughed. "While we're on the topic of bad music, it seems that Urahara Kisuke has come out from whatever cave he's been in!"

The monitor showed a regrettable image of Kisuke; his jaw was slacked, face red and he seemed to have a needle stuck in his arm that was most likely filled with heroin. The audience was a mix of cheers and boos when his name came up.

"The once great producer/musician is rumored to be working on a new project with none other than Captain Kuchiki Byakuya from an undisclosed place in the living world. The secrecy might just have to do with the past conflict between Urahara Byakuya after the last concert where the noble was injured. And subsequently beaten with a whip!"

The monitor showed a very homoerotic altered image of the two. Byakuya was on his knees with a ball gag and dog collar while a naked Kisuke beat him. The image brought a huge eruption of laughter from the crowd.

"No news yet, but I'm sure it'll suck!"

The monitor then showed another altered image at the word "suck" that, well, was too horrible to detail.

* * *

Rukia was surrounded by guitars at the local music store, trying to find the perfect one. Ichigo had suggested a slightly used Fender (with a cracked body and duct tape holding it together, that cheap bastard) and a _very_ pink Hello Kitty model (thinking that the "cutesy" look would be up her alley with her love of Chappy, but no dice). It took an hour, much to Ichigo's chagrin, but she finally settled on a beautiful amber acoustic that shone brightly under the florescent lights of the store and sang like a Siren.

"You'll need to get a case for that one, a strap, and some strings. Those stock ones always suck and you'll probably break them anyway…" He then saw the price tag of $499.99. "No. That's too much."

"I have the money, moron," she said, taking out the money Isshin gave her.

"But what about the rest of the stuff you'll need?" he said slyly. She only looked at him with the same look she gave him before kicking his crotch when he refused to buy her a particularly ugly painting of Chappy when they took a trip to Tokyo a few months ago.

"Fine," he sighed, getting a charge card out for the rest of the gear the small girl would need to keep that guitar of hers in good shape. The total was close to nine hundred dollars, (about the same Ichigo ended up spending on that ugly portrait) and the two were soon outside. Rukia walked awkwardly with the weight of the durable case and the instrument in it throwing her small frame off balance. But of course the strawberry next to her was being a bitch and wouldn't even _ask_ if she needed help. He was quite content at carrying a small plastic bag containing two sets of strings and a strap with rabbits (of course) all over it and his camera. She ended up stopping in her tracks and glared at Ichigo as he walked on by, oblivious to her. She coughed and got his attention.

"What, midget?" he said nonchalantly.

"This is heavy! I'm having a hard time, and it's still ten blocks to Urahara's!" she whined.

"Well, it's _your_ instrument."

Rukia was soon red and her glare was like that of an '80s slasher movie villain. She only punched her left hand with her other and Ichigo was soon carrying the guitar. They soon arrived at Urahara's shop and Rukia skipped inside, leaving a panting Ichigo to straddle the heavy case and open the door at the same time (while still holing the bag of strings and strap _and_ his video camera).

"Hello Miss Kuchiki!" Kisuke shouted from the kitchen, where he was eating a bowl of noodles with far too much salt. Ichigo finally got inside and nearly fell in the process.

"Hello Ichigo!" he shouted with equal fervor, hiding his smirk at the sight of the orange haired teen tumbling through the door behind his fan.

"Yeah, sure…" he said while picking up some of the items he dropped. "Rukia, show Mr. Hat and Clogs your axe," he concluded while placing the guitar case near the table. He then went into the living room where a lone hooker was dazed (or dead) on the couch. Ichigo cringed.

"So, let's see that git-box of yours." Kisuke said to Rukia who eagerly took out her new guitar. The blonde shinigami whistled upon seeing it.

"Quite nice! Let's see her," he said as the tiny girl gently handed it to him.

He strummed a few chords and then played a Baroque like improvisation before handing it back.

"If you have 'em, I'll put some new strings on it right away so it sounds even better."

Rukia nodded and took out a set. Kisuke looked over the set, figuring he'd have the instrument restrung in about ten minutes. He then went into the studio to get to work while Rukia joined Ichigo in the living quarters to watch TV (and play a rousing game of "what venereal diseases does the hooker have?"). Soon, Kisuke was back with the guitar, fresh with new strings that hadn't been touched by every Tom, Dick and Harry that walked into the music store (and attempt to play so hard it would break). Rukia soon put on the strap and was wearing the instrument like a jewel.

"So what's the camera for?" Urahara asked Ichigo while setting down his hat. "Are you doing a _Behind the Music_ for Byakuya?" he said chuckling.

"No, it's a video of my playing. After getting ripped apart here I thought I'd show you what I can do," he said confidently.

"Hmm, then why didn't you just play here in person? Easier I'm sure. Or is the video doctored?" Kisuke said slyly as Rukia laughed, knowing all too well it probably was. He only grunted as he set up his camera into the blonde man's VCR (which was severely outdated).

"Here, this is what I can do!" Ichigo said as he hit play. The TV showed the title "Rukia's Feet" before flashing to scene of her bare feet in the shower. He instantly turned red and frantically shut off the camera.

"That's, uh, er, a project I'm working on," he said while fumbling to change the tape.

"Was that my shower yesterday morning?" Rukia asked angrily. She could barely get her words out through the rage, and immense embarrassment.

"Whoa, son, cool the trouser fire!" Isshin said coming into the room. Apparently he arrived just in time to catch his son's faux pas.

"I hate you all…" Ichigo said while sulking.

"Here, asshole," Rukia started. "Play the hardest song you know!" She then handed her guitar to her perverted boyfriend. If he could be called that now, she'd have to see. "Show us what you've got."

Ichigo played a few notes to get the feel of the instrument's set up, then played Alice in Chains' "Man in a Box". He smiled brightly and looked as if he were king of Earth and Soul Society.

"That's a baby song!" Rukia shouted. "It's pretty much one chord! Give me that."

The raven haired girl played a few awkward notes before going into a blistering solo all over the neck. She then started tapping it with both hands, playing a bassline and melody at the same time, never losing time or tune. She finished by quoting the Baroque-esque improv of Kisuke's before aggressively strumming the final chord. Isshin and Urahara clapped eagerly. Ichigo only stared with his jaw hanging.

"So," Isshin started. "What are you gonna call that piece?"

"Well after breakfast today, I'm thinking 'Happy Johnny'," she answered after taking a short bow.

"Let's get you into the studio. If you could play back what I did a few minutes ago, you should have no problem replicating what you just did!" Kisuke said happily.

Rukia was soon following the two older shinigami into the studio, leaving Ichigo in the living room. He was still staring into space with a slack jaw.


	7. Lawyers, Guns and Money

Named after a song by Warren Zevon. The shit is about to hit the fan.

* * *

_VII. Lawyers, Guns and Money_

"Yup, she's dead alright." Kisuke said after checking for a pulse on a hooker that was lying on the floor of his recording studio. He had just returned with Rukia and Isshin to lay down a demo track of her newly composed guitar solo when one of Byakuya's girls who was dazed on the couch just minutes before was now static.

"How many are left?" Isshin inquired.

"Well he had about five girls, and I use that term loosely, when he came back from the gentleman's club. Cheeks ran away, this one's dead, and I'm very sure the one out in the living room is too since she has an empty bottle of sleeping pills and Southern Comfort by her head."

"Let's hope his two survivors are good at singing," he replied as Rukia carefully made her way around the body.

"I know," Kisuke answered. "Byakuya's lyrics and vocal parts are so thin that he needs the girls to pretty much lead his stupid ass songs. Damn, I was hoping that this record would fly by, being the shit it is, but we only have three suitable songs and those still need some arranging for synths and backing vocals. He has two more that are still rough demos."

"I hope I'm not being a burden, Urahara," Rukia said after hearing about her brother's pathetic work.

"Nonsense!" Kisuke sang. "I like working with you because you're not going to impale me for one mistake, or advising to go in a different direction, cover my furniture with crabs, and the list goes on."

Rukia got into the soundproof booth while the two former shinigami began setting up the mixing board and computers. She could feel her fingers growing numb and quiver in lack of sensation as she awaited the signal to start playing. Her chest was thumping harder each second that seemed to be wasted as the two men outside ran the necessary equipment. Small droplets of sweat ran down her hair and fell onto the guitar like a salty rain. Kisuke finally gave the thumbs up as a red light flicked on to show that he was ready for her song. For the first several seconds Rukia was still in fear, all of her doubts attacking her mind and keeping her hands from doing the job they were given. Fighting past the terror she started her song, each note ringing true in her highly skillful and deeply passionate song named after a multi-colored pancake. She hit a few mistakes but quickly turned them into short ornaments that could fool the most professional of listeners. She finished with a delicate chord arpeggio rather than the aggressive strum she used when showing off to Ichigo. The light that had been on to show she was being recorded flicked off and she let out a huge breath as more sweat fell from her face.

"We got it, take a rest kid, you look like you need it!" Kisuke said through the talk back mic. Rukia came out of the booth and Isshin gave her a hug that nearly crushed her small body.

"I knew you could do it!" he shouted just above her head, brining her migraine back.

"Gods I was _so_ nervous! I took too long to start on top of it, it's horrible!" she protested.

"Don't worry! I can easily cut out the pause before you started in Pro Tools, it's one of the easiest edits you can do." Kisuke said with his fan over his face. Rukia smiled and gave a short bow to thank the men before heading back into the living room. Ichigo was still standing like a dolt with his jaw slack, a small stream of drool was moving out of it. She smacked his face and he finally came to, wiping his mouth and hacking.

"I guess your ass was kicked, huh?" she said slyly. He only glared at her.

"Oh, like you have the right to be mad!" she shouted to his face. "It's not like I crept into the bathroom while you were cleaning up and took moving pictographs of _you_!"

"It's called video taping, midget. You knew what a DVD player was but you can't figure out the camera?" Ichigo replied rather listlessly before getting another smack.

"I should move in with Renji. At least _he_ respects me more than you do."

"Yeah right. That's a rape waiting to happen."

"I happen to know that Renji is actually quite passionate and gentle. He's only rough when you want it that way. Go fuck yourself." Rukia sighed and headed towards the kitchen. "Oh wait, you'll have to be doing that now anyway!" she said while sticking her head out of the doorway and disappearing again with an exasperating leer. Ichigo sighed headed for the front door. If he was lucky, a few bouquets of roses and a dozen or so stuffed rabbits would start him on the road to recovery with Rukia. If she didn't castrate him first. Just before he reached the door, it burst open and Byakuya nearly ran him over.

"What the hell?" Ichigo shouted to the captain.

"Nothing! Nothing at all. Just stay calm!" he shouted while racing towards Kisuke and Isshin who had both come out to see what the tumult was about.

"Okay, we're calm. What's going on?" Kisuke started. "Are you eager to start some new tracks? We can start in a few hours, I still have to… where's your entourage?"

"It's nothing! I already said that!" the captain said before running into the bathroom and locking the door behind him.

"Uh, Urahara, you might want to come in here!" Ichigo said from the living room.

Kisuke and Isshin joined Ichigo before the television, Rukia soon followed.

"We have just received this breaking news," the announcer began. "Two female bodies were discovered alongside the highway only half an hour ago. They seemed to have been burned in an attempt to hide evidence. No news yet as to the identities of the victims, but they both had purses and braziers that were only mildly burned issued to employees of the notorious strip club, Jane's Secret…"

Kisuke growled and headed towards the water closet. He knocked lightly and was greeted with a loud "go away". He started to pound the door with his upper body to break the hinges and allow entrance but Byakuya was aggressively pushing back. What ensued was eleven minutes of Kisuke easily speaking "I just wanna talk" with more "go away"s from Byakuya. The blonde man took a break, wiped his brow and called for Yoruichi to help him. Isshin was too amused at the whole thing to be bothered to help. She slowly made her way downstairs from the bedroom above yawning in the process. She hated when her naps were interrupted.

"What's wrong?" she said, yawning again.

"I need to speak with a certain captain about a very bad thing he might have done." Kisuke replied in soft anger, hoping he wasn't being listened to on the other side. Yoruichi rolled her eyes and left, not believing a word of it. She returned seconds later after glancing at the television, with a very foul look upon her face. They just nodded to each other and began to smash the door in.

"I can get Tessai to join us, Byakuya!" Kisuke shouted as he kicked the door and it at last gave way, revealing a very scared (and stoned) Captain Kuchiki quivering by the toilet.

* * *

The dark haired captain was lying in the fetal position on the living room floor, sucking his thumb and trembling. He was in the height of an acid trip and it was not a very good one. He was sweating heavily and flinched with every sound and movement made near him.

"Well I'm not worried about the police," Kisuke began.

"Since you haven't lived in this dimension in centuries, there's no way to trace your DNA." Isshin said. "But damn, did you have to kill the two hottest ones?"

"Dad! What would mom say?" Ichigo protested before getting decked.

"Can't take a joke, huh?" he said standing triumphantly over his son. "See how easily you fell into deceit? How can you ever become a great warrior if you believe everything you hear?"

"Right…" Kisuke said looking at the fight that ensued between Ichigo and his father. "When news of this gets to Soul Society we are _all_ going to hang."

"Well I hate to say it, but we can just ignore it. It's what he'd want anyway." Yoruichi said after considering their options. "If we just forget this whole thing happened, we can get on with our lives."

"They _were_ whores anyway, this stuff happens all the time unfortunately, so you may have a point…" Isshin said. Kisuke was pacing around the room rubbing his hands together before taking out the anxiety pills he was given and downed a good number of them.

"Okay. I am going to go out for some sake. When I come back, I want all the dead hookers that are in my house _gone_. And we will never speak of this again." Urahara said with a lot of built up tension before leaving his home, slamming the door behind him.

"Ichigo and Rukia, get the one on the couch here," Isshin started. "I'll get the one in the studio. Put them in Tessai's truck and he'll get rid of them."

* * *

"This feels _so_ wrong!" Rukia said as she dragged the prostitute in the bed of Tessai's vehicle.

"What the diseases she has or everything else?" Ichigo asked while pushing the body up to the small girl.

"The whole fucking thing!" Rukia sobbed, tears were forming in her eyes as she worked. "I feel so _dirty_! What if we're being watched, I don't want to go to jail Ichigo! I was there before and was supposed to be _killed_! I'm not doing that again!"

Ichigo only mumbled, she did have a point and the danger was very real. But then again this _was_ Urahara's plan, and he always could get out of the worst of snags. Well, most of the time.

"It just comes with the life I guess," Ichigo started. "You know how many rock stars got into shit like this? Almost all of them!"

"No, not like _this_! If you're thinking of the Sex Pistols, I think you know how that story ends!" she said, crying harder this time, which was completely unlike her. Rukia jumped out of the truck bed and went back into the store as Isshin and Tessai came out with the other body wrapped in sheets and duct tape.

"Take care. Drive naturally and don't get pulled over!" Isshin said to his friend as he placed a spare tire, toolbox and sheets over the bodies to make it look as if the bed was filled with equipment. Tessai nodded and drove off.

* * *

Kisuke sat in a very dingy bar. Smoke swirled around his flaxen hair as he drank a bottle of sake, feeling the dizzying effect of drunkenness and prescription pills hitting him. The sound of the blues was coming from a transistor radio by the bartender as two bikers started to beat each other up towards the back. Despite Japan's laws against the ownership of firearms, the bartender pulled out a high caliber shotgun and readied it as he approached the fracas, shouting the whole while. Nice establishment.

'Gods, what did I do to deserve this? Well, apart from creating a super powerful energy and encasing it inside the body of an innocent girl…' he thought as he started another bottle of booze. Realizing that he was becoming stoned, he tossed some money on the table and was leaving as the bartender fired his gun at the bikers. The shots flew right over Urahara's head and his hat fell off. He delicately picked up the cap only to find two gaping holes in it.

"And now you killed my hat! Good one!" he shouted looking upwards as if he were addressing the gods themselves. He pouted and looked once more at his annihilated head-piece as he left the bar. Sighing he tossed it into the dumpster in the alley and headed for home.

* * *

_Calling Dr. Crank!_

_Calling Dr. Crank, Crank!_

_I wanna blow my mind_

_I hope ya have the time_

_Dr. Crank!_

The song that seemed to rival the cheesiness of '80s hair metal was another one of Kisuke's from the "good ol' days". After Tessai left to perform highly illegal acts, Ichigo, Rukia, Isshin and Yoruichi put in the disc that he had made so many years ago and were roaring with laugher as the mullet wearing Urahara pranced about a flaming junkyard in spandex and makeup singing another song about heroin. It was basically the same lyrics over and over again; truly he was the mastermind of all diabolical 1980s cheese.

"Ah man, I forgot these gems!" Isshin said while air drumming. "We should get on the rooftop some night and play the whole thing live like the Beatles, or U2!"

"Yeah, I'm sure the police would love that…" Ichigo said. "Do it at our house and I _will_ kill you." Byakuya stirred on the floor a bit as the laughter and mockery of old, poorly made videos filled the room. The next song was somewhat an "island rock" piece about booze:

_I want to soak up all the sunrays,_

_Feel the heat of the summer sand._

_So pour me another daiquiri,_

_As I move from land to land._

"His lyrics are pretty corny…" Rukia said through giggles, most of them forced as she tried to forget the hooker incident.

"We were high every time we wrote" Isshin said. "Trust me Rukia, if you want to get serious about this business, don't do that shit. It doesn't make you feel better, it won't help your creativity, it just makes _this_." He pointed to the hologram showing a naked Kisuke on the beach drinking a pineapple daiquiri.

"I had one drop of acid, I think I'm set to never take any crap like that again," she said staring at the atrocious spectacle before them. Just as the song ended, the disc froze on an image of Kisuke's bare ass on the beach, and of course this is when he came through the door.

He was frozen as his holographic clone mooned himself. "Don't you guy's have anything better to do than pick on a poor old slob like me?"

"Oh come on!" Yoruichi said. "It's not, um, that bad?"

"Can't you guys have a rousing game of 'would you rather' instead?" he asked, "I'll be in the studio mixing down some tracks. If Captain Acid comes to, kick his ass for me."

"Hey, where'd your hat go?" Ichigo asked, finally noticing the missing item. Kisuke only glared at him.

"It was murdered," he said and headed into the studio, closing the door behind him.

"Well, it's still early. Why not take his suggestion?" Rukia started. "Ichigo, would you rather have me embarrass you in front of our closest friends, or have me kick your sorry ass into a blood pulp at school tomorrow where everyone can see?"

"This isn't part of the game, is it?" he answered coldly. She just shook her head. "I don't think word would spread so much with the first one…" he said sighing. Rukia gave him a wicked look.

"Good. Just wait, I'll get even for your perverted tape," she said, hiding the evil within her.

"See son, if you don't act like a gentleman, than your lady will have to utterly destroy every fiber of your fragile teenage social life!" Isshin shouted, causing Ichigo to sulk even more.

"So what about _you_?" he finally asked Rukia.

"Nah, I'm not interested, I'm gonna get my revenge!"

"Just go along with it and I'll leave you alone, it's only fair if you forced me to answer."

"Oh fine! Anything to shut you up."

"Hmm, how about this; would you rather take a bath in oatmeal or mayonnaise?"

"Uh, gross. But if I _had_ to, oatmeal. It doesn't stink as much and it'd probably be easier to get out of my hair. Wait, you're getting off on this aren't you!?"

Ichigo was soon running for his life as the small raven haired girl chased him with murder in her violet eyes.

* * *

Tessai was miles from Karakura and in a small village in the mountains. He was growing tired and began to swerve around the road, the bottle of whisky he decided to have while driving wasn't helping either. The sounds of hooker bodies thumping about in his truck kept him awake long enough for him to notice the bubblegum lights in the rearview mirror. Oh shit. He calmly chewed a piece of gum in a futile effort to hide the smell of liquor as the officer approached his truck.

"License and registration …" the policeman paused when he looked into the back of the truck. "Sir, please step out of the vehicle _now_."


	8. Gin Soaked Boy

Named after a song by The Divine Comedy, an awesome chamber pop band from Ireland.

* * *

_VIII_. _Gin Soaked Boy_

Byakuya woke in darkness. A small glow from the VCR lit a fraction of the floor near him and the sound of rain on the windows outside provided a gentle prelude to a thunderstorm moving in. He stood and toppled over, not expecting the head rush and aftereffects of a very bad acid trip. Grumbling, he slowly made his way onto two feet with the aid of a small table and tried to remember what had happened. He left Urahara's early in the morning with two of his girls. They ate breakfast and then doped up in an alley. The next thing he remembered was seeing two demons about to castrate him…

"Shit…" he said aloud, realized exactly what happened to his two loose maidens. After mistaking them for devil spawn, he quickly hacked them apart with his zanpakuto, and in order to send them back to hell, doused them in gasoline and burned the remains. This was not going to end well.

He stubbed a toe as he headed down the hallways of Kisuke's home, trying to find a desperately needed glass of water, and a toilet to vomit into as his high wore down and guilt set in. The bathroom was sealed off with plastic acting as a makeshift door, he rushed by it and let loose.

Nearby, the sounds emanating from the bathroom woke Ururu from a comfortable sleep. She shivered in panic and covered her head with a sheet before convening enough courage to face whatever was making such diabolical sounds. She crept down the hallway as a bolt of lightning exaggerated the shadows and outlined them in a purple hue. She reached the bathroom and slowly slid past the provisional door. What she saw sent her running for Kisuke. Hovering over the toilet was a large monster with grimy fur sticking up in all directions. Saliva discharged down its mouth and it made a horrifying roar as another lighting strike illuminated its maniacal face. Ururu smashed down the door to Kisuke's bedroom as he jumped and quickly put on his boxers, covering Yoruichi's head with the blanket in a desperate attempt to hide what they were doing.

"What is it?" he said with a slight reverberation of fear and concern for the child's safety.

"Th…there's a monster in the bathroom!" she screamed while running up to him and grabbing him in a very tight embrace which forced the air from his lungs.

"Did you have a bad dream?" he started as thunder shook the small house. "Or is it the storm? You're safe here."

"No, it's in there right now!" she screamed and crawled into the bed, forcing Yoruichi to change into her cat form and slide out, frustrated that her night of fun was now over.

Kisuke sighed and put a robe on to hide an embarrassing bulge in his boxers from the innocent girl that had intruded on adult activities involving a feather duster and a bucket of clams. He looked around the bedroom for a blunt weapon to strike the mystery being with upon realizing that he left Benihime in his studio. He settled on an ice cleat that was sticking out of his closet, amongst other miscellaneous items protruding from the mess inside. The veteran shinigami proudly strode down the hall towards the water closet, expecting to find either a hollow or a burglar with a porcelain fetish. He turned the light on and gagged when he found Byakuya vomiting into what he thought was the toilet, but was in fact the floor, the walls, and everything but his intended target.

"Ururu, go back to bed while I take care of…_this_," he sighed and slapped his face with the palm of hand. 'Gods, isn't Tessai finished up yet? I could use his help…'

* * *

Miles away, Tessai sat in a deep pit, panting as sweat poured from his brow. He had been digging for hours and was hoping that the gigantic hole was enough to hide the hooker bodies that he had placed within. Nobody could or even _would_ dig this deep, would they? He breathed heavily and choked on the dirt in the moist air around him before aggressively stamping on the corpses under his feet. It had barely happened at all, and he nearly wound up the prime suspect in a murder case…

* * *

"License and registration …" the policeman paused when he looked into the back of the truck. "Sir, please step out of the vehicle _now_."

Tessai swallowed hard and slowly got out of his truck, the officer staring into the back of it, and right at the… toolbox?

"Is that a Handy Jockey 342 ya got there?" he asked the burly man. Tessai didn't know what to make of the situation. He was certainly not sober enough to be driving, and was teetering as he approached the policeman. If he answered the question, alcohol would be detected on his breath, so he gave a hard nod to avoid the pungent odor from escaping his jaws.

"Ya don't say? I was thinking about getting one for the house. How's it work for you, is it as organized as the ads claim?"

Again a hard nod was given.

"Mind if I take a look at it?"

Shit. Saying yes could compromise the mission and reveal the bodies. Saying no would seem inconsiderate and… wait, why was he thinking about that? So what if he said no, it's not like it would land him in the pokey. Hesitantly, Tessai shook his head.

"Yeah, it's none of my business. Ya probably have it full of tools and grease anyway. Well, I'll let you go, drive safe!"

The officer got back into his car and drove into the distance. Tessai immediately ran to the roadside and threw up before heading back on his journey.

* * *

He let out a long sigh and lit a cigarette, thinking about how drastically his life could have changed back there. Looking up to the night sky he thought of another predicament. How was he to get out of this hole?

* * *

"Keep scrubbing! I want to actually be able to _use_ this room again when you're done!" Kisuke shouted to Captain Kuchiki, who was on his knees and scrubbing furiously to get his stomach contents off of the tiled floor, and from in between the grout and in ever nook that he had hit. It was demeaning work; to think a noble doing the work of a slave!

"I hope this teaches you about doing drugs, at least about doing them in _my_ house when they wear off!" he continued. "Poor little Ururu is gonna' have night terrors for years to come now. I hope you're goddamn happy!" He grumbled some unintelligible curses before going to check on the girl in question. She was sleeping again. Thank the gods. It had taken the reading of eighteen fairy tales, three mugs of hot chocolate, and the constant reassurance that Kisuke was always nearby and able to handle any monster that could show up to even get her under the sheets again.

"I'm not even going to get _started_ at how you ruined my 'gentleman's time' either! The one night Yoruichi isn't playing hard to get and bam, you're the root of the problem! Fuck me harder." Kisuke headed towards his studio to cool down. "And if this ever happens again, rest assured Byakuya, I _will_ unleash my bankai on you!" he shouted down the hall before closing the door to his recording room. The blonde man went into the soundproof booth and gingerly sealed it off before unleashing a river of profanity that would make even George Carlin blush.

After catching his breath, Kisuke sat at his piano and slowly began to improvise a blues in the style of Otis Spann, and striking the keys so hard that he was amazed that none of the strings broke inside the instrument. A little calmer, he started Chopin's Etude Op. 25 No. 7, "the Cello"; a piece he only played when he was in the coldest reaches of depression, or just very angry. The gentle melody laced with intricate and highly difficult cadenzas always made him feel better. He had learned it from Chopin himself shortly after his heart was broken for the first time when a bimbo he was dating at the academy angrily ended their relationship because of his eccentricities. It then became a habit for Kisuke to turn to this piece whenever he needed a smile. Especially after… oh no…

* * *

_Shrapnel rained down onto the survivors that had began running from the stage as amp after amp exploded, the connected speakers erupting with flame. Behind him Isshin was on fire and desperately rolling on the ground as Tessai clambered back onto the stage and body slammed him, instantly snuffing the flames. As the two rose up, the stage began to shake from the impact and the left side quickly caved in, speakers and equipment sliding over the band. With a few flash steps, Kisuke was able to move in time, but the tower fell right on top of two roadies. Their dying screams rang through the PA system. In the audience Kuchiki Byakuya was running for his life as a speaker fell towards him, he jumped just as it hit the ground and exploded, sending metallic shards into his back, thigh and left shoulder. As he crawled away, another conflagration burned through his robes and into his flesh. Back onstage, Kisuke could feel the rest of it buckle and slide. He desperately ran with no direction in mind but was soon falling with the rest of his gear into the cellar below, the catwalk and three lights right behind him. Then it was quiet. And dark._

_ Kisuke tried to move but incredible stabbing pains sang over ever nerve. He shouted but realized that he could hardly breathe with an immense weight on top of him and a searing sensation in his chest. As hard as he tried not to, he was soon drifting into unconsciousness._

_ He awoke in Squad 4's ICU a week later. He had broken his left wrist, both legs, suffered a massive concussion and a skull fracture. Three ribs broke and had punctured his right lung. His right arm was sprained and he had a puncture wound in his hip from where the catwalk broke apart and impaled his body. Though he couldn't turn his head due to a splintered collar bone, he could make out some of the equipment he was plugged into. He also could see the ventilator nearby that was pushing air into his weakened lungs before he began choking on the tube as he began to breathe on his own. A nurse rushed in and removed it, checked his vitals and ran to another room where an emergency had been called in from a roadie that was badly burned. He died a few minutes later, and the body was carted out past Urahara's room in plain view. There were not enough sheets for the injured or to conceal the dead._

_ Isshin had walked away with only a few burns and bruises while Tessai wasn't harmed in the least. Yoruichi had been safely backstage and came running when the collapse began to help the best she could, but had missed grabbing Kisuke's hand by just a few feet before he fell. In the end, nearly 500 people were killed and another 800 suffered severe trauma, mostly to their genitalia._

_ It would be months before Kisuke could leave Squad 4's hospital, and even longer before he was finished with rehab. Once fully healed, Captain Commander Yamamoto deemed it necessary that he and his band mates be removed from Soul Society indefinitely, lest another Incident occur…_

* * *

The blonde shinigami gasped as he came to on the floor by his piano. He found no strength to stand, so he lay on the floor; processing what had just happened. He had just finished the etude when he began to feel dizzy and the worst flashback of his life pulled him into a past he tried to forget everyday. Kisuke slowly got his bearings and struggled to stand. Groaning, he headed to the kitchen and downed six of his anxiety pills with one gulp of water, headed into the living room and tuned the television into any channel still airing so early in the morning.

* * *

"…you will burn there _forever_, if you do not accept Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior _now_! Will you be in the Book of Life?"

Yoruichi slipped into the living room, back in human form, and found Kisuke dazed before a televangelist, mumbling 'wow' over and over again as the bigoted sermon commenced. Apparently he hadn't slept much, his grey eyes were bloodshot and his face was sagging a little. She smirked and headed into the kitchen for a breakfast of generic Cheeri-angles (a spoonful of lead in every bowl!) and soon flash stepped outside to begin a few laps around the city. Byakuya slowly left the bathroom, content that it was now clean. A nearby clock showed it to be 7:42; the captain had been cleaning for nearly five hours with no rest. As he looked for a place to collapse, Tessai entered the building and apparently had the same thought in mind, thought the nobleman was oblivious as to what the other man had been doing.

"Boss, I finished the, uh, businesses." Tessai started to Kisuke. Word salad was all he heard back. Tessai let out a ponderous hum before further examining his superior. He looked sleep deprived, but was just acting too strange for that to be the only factor. There was no recent alcohol on his breath, and there was none in the house anyway. That only left…

"Sir, how many of those pills did you take?"

Kisuke drooled a little and made a childish squeak.

"Hmm, I see."

The burly man walked to the kitchen, stepping over the recently fainted Byakuya, and rummaged about the cabinets for the pills Isshin had given his friend. There was no trace of the bottle. He went back to the living room and frisked the blonde shinigami (who gave no resistance in his near vegetated state) and found it in his shirt pocket. Checking inside, it was nearly empty. Tessai growled and went to the phone.

* * *

"Dad, are you gonna answer the friggin' phone!" Ichigo yelled as he rushed about, running late for school yet again.

"Nah, it's Kisuke, I don't feel like working just yet…" Isshin lazily replied while gazing at his burned waffle drenched in Tabasco sauce (another of his secret recipes). Rukia finally lost patience and nearly tore the device from the wall.

"What is it?" she snapped, changed expressions and then handed it to the doctor. "It's Tessai; he says it's an emergency." She then nonchalantly left out the front door, slamming it on Ichigo's hand has he was just about to leave. Her anger over his video still fresh in her mind and stagnating into a wonderfully black pool of estrogen and bitchiness.

"Yeah, what do ya want?" Isshin grumbled.

"The baby's fallen out of bed." Tessai answered.

"Uh. What?"

"Kisuke's off the wagon. He took almost all of the pills you gave him and now he's just sitting at the TV watching a preacher burn Harry Potter books and smiling."

Isshin let a long sigh slide through his lips. "I'll be right there…" He hung up the phone and kicked the wall. Well, there went nearly thirty years of sobriety for Kisuke (from drugs at least, alcohol was still running fluidly through his veins, though not often to excess). He didn't expect much from an overdose of anxiety pills. At the worst, they just made the user fall asleep for unreasonably long hours without much harm done to affect the physiology. It was just that if Kisuke was that vulnerable again, it could only be a matter of days before he was once more surfing on Dr. Brownstone as he so eloquently put it in his lyrics. Something had to be done before _that_ happened. Isshin went to his clinic and retrieved some emergency syringes and a portable defibrillator, just in case the excess of pills stopped Urahara's heart.

When he arrived at the shop, he nearly broke his neck as he tripped over Byakuya who was now resting just behind a doorway and lying unseen until the last moment. Yoruichi had returned and was infuriated when she heard Tessai's account, and how she hadn't realized that her lover was high as the stratosphere before she left.

"You're hurting your friends. Look at everyone who has come out to support you!" Isshin said trying to initiate the intervention like Dr. Phil, despite the fact that Kisuke was unable to process the words.

"What could have brought this on?" Yoruichi asked while examining the squirming shinigami who was spouting off something about a carnival, fish and strange methods of arousal. Just as it got stranger, Jinta and Ururu passed through on their way to clean the storefront. At first, they figured their guardian's strange behavior was just Kisuke being Kisuke, until he opened his mouth and nothing but gibberish escaped.

"Are you okay?" Ururu asked gently.

"Of course he's okay idiot, now get to work while I get some breakfast." Jinta shouted back.

"Alabama! Aaalaabama!" Kisuke shouted to the children.

"Okay, maybe not." Jinta flatly stated.

"I think maybe it's time these two got filled in on _all_ the details…" Isshin said. Yoruichi nodded and tentatively showed them into the recording studio for the very first time. Two hours and a few breaks for the two to vomit at the horrid details later, Jinta and Ururu were both aware of the reality of Kisuke's history as a performer and a drug addict.

"I hate that I had to tell you this, but he's gonna need your support to keep from going down that path again." Yoruichi calmly said as her lover slept in the living room, snoring loudly.

"Just one question though," Jinta started. "He never went all Michael Jackson, did he?" Yoruichi, Isshin and Tessai all shook their heads.

"Well that's a relief. The drugs, meh. Better than taking a zipper ride at Neverland," he scoffed and was quickly whacked over the head by Tessai.

"Why don't you to start working outside, when the boss wakes up we'll call you back in." the giant said quietly. The two kids nodded and headed to the storefront for another boring day.

* * *

Ichigo sat in his pre-calculus class, not paying a drop of attention to the teacher's words about his senior final. He was busy staring at Rukia on the other side of the room as she twirled her hair and swiftly took notes on functions, variables and the slopes of lines; possibly penning another song on top of it. Nerd. Ichigo began to scribble a note for the small girl in hopes of receiving forgiveness. He passed the slip of paper to Keigo where it was immediately intercepted by the fierce instructor who quickly whipped Ichigo's wrists with his yardstick.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, front and center!" the teacher, Yamamoto Yusuke (no relation to the Captain Commander, though his persona would make one contemplate) bellowed.  
Ichigo was quickly before his classmates, nervous scowl on his face. Yamamoto inspected Ichigo like a drill sergeant would a fat, underachieving grunt, the note in one hand, yardstick in the other.

"Kurosaki, my syllabus clearly states that the passing of notes is _strictly forbidden_!" spit fell onto Ichigo's face. "After eight months here I would _think_ that you'd know that!"

"Sorry Yusuke, it's just…"

"That is _Mister Yamamoto_ to you!"

Rukia was smirking and trying as hard as her tiny body could to keep from laughing aloud at Ichigo's predicament.

"Now, you will read this little poem, filled with your clichéd teenage angst before the class and meet me for detention this afternoon where you will solve multivariable functions until I feel you are ready to leave!" Yamamoto handed the note back to the orange haired teen.

"Uh."

"_Read it_!" The desk was slapped hard with the yardstick.

Ichigo opened the paper and lowered his head as low as it could go. "I'm sorry Rukia for filming your sexy body in the shower and making a video of it. If it makes you feel any better, it got over a million hits on YouTube the first night. Will you please forgive me and accept my invitation for dinner to make up for it?"

Shouts of 'perv' and 'way to go' came strong at him, with one or two 'sluts' thrown at Rukia as she sank in her chair, grinding her teeth and digging her fingernails in her left arm, desperately trying to keep herself from screaming at the spiky headed imbecile.

"Gods, please, _please_, shoot me now!" she desperately muttered, hoping that some deity would hear her prayer and put a golden bullet through her forehead, ending the humiliation. The girls around her began to pelt her with spitballs, chanting 'whore' while the guy seating before her asked how much she charged. All the while, Yamamoto was completely oblivious, more concerned on tormenting Ichigo. She picked a wet spitball out of her hair and looked up to the ceiling.

"Really, just one shot… I'm wide open…"

The rest of the morning was agony. Rukia was slammed into lockers, faced a hoard of insulting caricatures featuring her making it with the entire soccer team, and quiet insults behind her back that would make a porno sound like Disney. When it came time for lunch, she purposely tripped Ichigo on her way to sit with Orihime and Tatsuki.

"If I kill myself tonight, would you two promise to keep them from attending the funeral?" Rukia asked her two friends.

"Who's 'them' exactly?" Tatsuki casually replied.

"The whole fucking school."

"I've heard some of the gossip. Just what the hell is going on?"

Rukia filled the two in on the details, and the disaster that occurred in calculus class. Tatsuki sent a murderous stare to everyone in the cafeteria, especially Ichigo, while Orihime smiled like a dolt and enjoyed her meal of… well whatever the slop before her was. Rukia played with the vile looking pasta on her lunch tray, not even the slightest bit curious as to what it was.

"If I slash my writs now, you know I might just get a nice speech and such at graduation." Rukia said while taking a small bite of the meal, gagged and dropped her spork onto the tray, pushing it away in disgust.

"But then you won't be able to hear all the nice things they had to say about you, and we'll all be sad and you won't be able to join us to watch the fireworks…" Orihime went on one of her signature rambles as Tatsuki rolled her eyes.

"It's not like she's going to. I swear, the fact that you're passing your classes amazes me at times," she chuckled.

"I'd accept Ichigo's apology, but he just doesn't get it! I don't need him calling me 'midget' while he says he's sorry and I sure as all hell don't need him to tell the whole class what he did!" Rukia slammed a fist into the table. "I think I'm going to have a stroke before the day is over…" She never saw the two cheerleaders come up from behind her with a tray full of the ghastly school pasta and soon it was falling over her head as they two girls mocked her, the slimy cheese running down her face and clinging to her hair. A cold pot of sauce soon followed. Tatsuki and Orihime gasped at the horrible site of their friend plastered in the deplorable meal. The culprits were on their knees laughing. Rukia slowly sloshed a mix of cheese and sauce from her eyes and very calmly went to one of the girls as she dripped all over the floor.

"Have you ever seen the movie _Carrie_?" she said with a malevolent smile. Rukia quickly smashed her head into the other girl, sending her to the floor. Before anyone knew what was happening, the cheerleader's face was being pulverized by Rukia. When she tired of punching, she grabbed the culprit's shoulders and started smashing the back of her head into the floor while she sent her knee her stomach. The other cheerleader who had dumped the sauce onto the raven haired girl had run away screaming. The entire room had gathered and was cheering the fight on. Keigo could be heard shouting 'chick fight' around the room.

'Wow. This is hot,' was the only thought going through Ichigo's head.

"Rukia, stop! Get a grip!" Tatsuki was trying to pull her off the brutally beaten cheerleader. She succeeded and Rukia was panting hard, blood covering her hands, as the other girl struggled to move away before she was murdered. Orihime didn't know what to do and just looked on in fear.

'Shit, this is gonna take a lot of brainwashing on the end of Soul Society to fix,' she thought as three teachers and the principal rushed over to the scene.

"What happened here?" the principal shouted, quieting the entire cafeteria. It wasn't long before the story unfolded to the school's top authority.

"Kuchiki Rukia; explain yourself," he growled as the small girl, still covered in fresh tomato sauce and mystery pasta, tentatively looked up to him. She had acted her way out of trouble before, she could do it now.

"I'm so sorry, it's just that I was minding my own business eating this delicious lunch when all of a sudden those two popular girls attacked me, trying to start a food fight, and then, then… they made… _advances_ towards me!" she started crying at the end of the performance and burying her face in her hands.

"I saw the whole thing, it's true!" Tatsuki shouted while covering Orihime's mouth, knowing too well that she'd botch the lie and get their friend into deeper shit. The two cheerleaders were soon hauled away for punishment (and first aid) and the crowd dispersed back to classes, leaving only the principal and Rukia.

"I'm so sorry for what happened. Come on, you can clean up in the gym's locker room, there's no class there in the last two weeks…" he said slowly. "But. You know our zero tolerance policy for fighting, even if it was self defense. I'll have to give you detention, but I'll cut you some slack. Just today, and only because I have to uphold the policy, if it is bullshit for the circumstances. Sorry." He smiled, hoping she wouldn't be too upset. Rukia just smiled back and wiped a tear from her eye.

"It's okay, I know the rules and I will accept my punishment." Once in the showers, she retched and rolled her eyes at the thought of detention. But it _was_ better than what her fate would hold had she clarified the genuineness of the confrontation.

* * *

"It was one time, I slipped, sorry!" Kisuke shouted as Isshin, Yoruichi, Tessai, Jinta and Ururu gave him an emergency intervention. "Jesus, I had a horrible flashback, I didn't know how potent those things were!"

"I explicitly told you that you can't take more than four in a day." Isshin sang with a smirk.

"How much flashed back?" Yoruichi said.

"Everything…" the blonde man said, shaking a little as the memory of even having the flashback dug into his soul.

"Maybe it's time to see a shrink." Isshin barked. "Did wonders for me afterwards."

Kisuke just stared in deep thought. Byakuya was stirring and would probably awaken soon, hopefully not eager to get to work. The last thing Urahara needed was a job to do.

"I'm going out for a little while, I need a new hat," he finally said. "That will help me feel better." He rose and went into his studio to retrieve Benihime, took a short bow and walked out the front door while whistling Iron Maiden's 'Flight of Icarus'.

* * *

'How did I get into this?' Rukia pondered while she sat next to Ichigo in Yamamoto Yusuke's notoriously deadly detention. Rumor had it that a student had been lashed with a rawhide whip at his hands, and was subsequently cut in half, just for clicking his pen.

"Kurosaki, you are to finish all the even functions from page eighty-one to one hundred in this book," the vile lecturer said while dropping a high level calculus book onto his desk.

"And Kuchiki, you are to write a letter of apology to the principal, the three teachers who assisted after the fight, the girl you beat up _and_ her trembling friend. Also, write a special one just for me since I'm now wasting my time on two loathsome youths. Six copies, all handwritten, each different and ten pages each. You both may start now. You may leave when _finished_. No sooner." He sat at his desk and pulled out a copy of The Lord of the Rings. He then carefully placed an issue of Playpen inside it and began his reading. Ichigo pulled out a piece of lined paper and glanced at the book, sighing.

"You're not really going to do all those equations, are you?" Rukia whispered.

He shook his head. "You're not going to write those letters either?"

"Fuck no!"

"I hope you have that little toy of yours that alters memory…"

"Of course, idiot."

Rukia stood and rushed Yamamoto before popping the unusual device in his face; he fell back dazed and was soon asleep. By the time we woke he'd be lucky if he remembered his name, let alone the two shinigami who had escaped.

"Hey," Ichigo started as the two walked home. "I really am sorry about all that shit…"

Rukia smiled and smacked the back of his head. "I know. Besides, I think you learned your lesson."

"You smell like lasagna…" he chuckled.

"Don't remind me." She slipped her arm around him as they walked and grinned. "Are you still going to take me out to a nice fancy dinner?"

"I never said anything about fancy."

"Well it had better goddamn be! And it should be in your best interest to take a certain film of yours _off_ the Internet."

"Fine…" he said while running a hand through his hair. "Only if you let me hear you sing one of your songs tonight."

Always a catch.


	9. I Wanna be Sedated

Named for a song by The Ramones, but you already knew that, right?

* * *

_IX. I Wanna Be Sedated_

Discount Halloween Party Outlet. Nowhere on Earth is there a more contemptible hive of scum, depravity and poor taste in attire under one covering. The perfect place to find a hat. Despite it being late May, the storefront was vibrating with the thick resonation of "The Monster Mash" and automatons of electroshock therapy going wrong and vomiting rednecks were everywhere as Kisuke entered the building through an unlit hallway filled with low quality scares for unreasonable fees, especially for a discount chain. Apart from an overweight, gothic, potentially suicidal middle aged woman running the only register, he was alone and free to browse without the trouble of children or crazy American religious nuts handing out Chick tracts on how "the devil's trick is no treat!" Ah, the joys of a Halloween shop in May!

As he slowly made his way down the aisles, he made note of the worst costumes that couldn't be sold last year, including Count Pop, Instant Aviator Kit and Caribbean Pirate (yeah, that's original). Another aisle was filled with rubber masked with at least four slashed prices on them, mostly of the Joker or a chimpanzee with lipstick. He finally found the gangway filled with novelty hats; a tear trickled down his cheek as he gazed upon the selection.

There were Viking horned helmets, pirate hats, traffic cones with the words "Caution, Viagra User" written on it, hot dog hats, clapping cymbal monkey headpieces, a toilet hat with attached "wimple", a banana boat cap, chain gang chapeaus, irregular trucker hats, pecker headbands, Roman Centurion hats, fedoras and bowler derbies. But there was one in particular that Kisuke just _had_ to have. It was perfect, no, godly! He reached out and dared to touch the embodiment of all that was holy in hat form. There was no way he could live without this, and there was no going back to his old striped cap after _this_! He was elated when it fit perfectly, and decided to wear it out after paying the measly five dollars, but decided to pay an addition seventy for a matching coat.

And Kisuke was surely a sight to be had. He walked with a certain lankiness, waving his sword cane about to emphasize the headpiece. The headpiece in question was a gigantic purple and pink pimp's hat complete with a ten inch peacock feather. The item itself was over a two feet long in circumference and cast a deep shadow over the shinigami's face. The matching coat was a long purple faux fur jacket that he wore over his usual green one (for a hideous color combination) that dangled just a few millimeters off of the ground. All he needed was a nice gold hilt for Benihime and he'd have the perfect ensemble! He couldn't wait to show Yoruichi.

* * *

A large pile of crumpled paper was developing in the corner of Urahara's studio. Byakuya sat on the couch going over his lyrics, and rejecting nearly all of them, some of which had already been recorded. After coming clean from the LSD, he had gone over some of his writings and listened to the audio; he was disgusted by the quality of his words. The sexual, explicit and all out embarrassing topics were okay, but they just lacked something (besides rhythm). They lacked… zazz. Looking over the title track he nearly gagged. How could have thought to call _that_ one My Bankai?

"You stroke my bankai, my big, big sword. No, this will never do!" he shouted as the crumpled the lyric sheet. "Hmm, if I changed it to 'you stroke my zanpakuto, mmm, my big, big sword'. Now _that_. That's better!" The captain's eyes sparkled as he began rewriting the lead song. If one could call such an aural abomination a song. He furiously wrote and tore apart sheets for a good hour before he finally had rewritten the first three songs to his album. Looking over them, he smiled at the newly created works of "You Touch My Zanpakuto", "Sex on the Beach", and "G-String Beauty".

Now there was another problem. He had already recorded rough versions of these songs, and he was now out of backup singers. Byakuya stroked the three day beard he had been growing (purely out of forgetting to shave) as he considered possible singers. Rangiku was an option; she had the body for a backup singer, but the voice? Hmm, maybe not. Momo? Nah, she lip-synched her last performance and apparently sucks at dancing from the jig she trotted at the aforementioned event. That and her body cast.

"I'll have to see if Rukia knows anyone…"

* * *

"Quit stalling." Ichigo stared at the small girl next to him as she nervously ran her fingers over the guitar strings.

"I'm not stalling! I'm trying to pick the best one," she replied after wiping sweat from her brow.

"For half an hour?"

Rukia grumbled and flipped through her sheets again. Most were on lined notebook paper and had the chords written in over the lyrics so tightly that it looked more like abstract art, or just regular chicken scratch.

"If you don't do this, you can forget about our dinner this Friday. I already booked reservations at a nice fancy restaurant and took down the video. I kept my end of the deal." Ichigo snorted.

Rukia was more nervous now than she had been in the studio. She had never sung before anyone, well, at least she had never sung _knowing_ there was a listener. Well it was now or never. Or she wouldn't have a moments rest from the strawberry beside her, taunting her for being a coward. Slowly she began to strum the chords to one of her completed songs. She repeated the intro longer than written trying to build the courage to sing. After a few more repeats, she found her voice and began the first verse. Her voice was a rich alto of purest quality and intonation. Even the sirens of old would be jealous. And her song could have easily driven men to their doom with its hypnotizing beauty:

_I've been alone, hiding out_

_Without a doubt, I'm in despair_

_And I've been here such a long time_

_And this feeling's tearin' me apart_

_Since love has left me._

_Lookin' for a place I'll never be,_

_I'm caught wandering the shadows._

_And in the darkness I'll be_

_Only, cryin' lonely tonight._

_Only, cryin' lonely, hold me tight._

_And in the night, a light comes through,_

_But I'll still be_

_Only, cryin' lonely tonight._

_Without my touch_

_It doesn't mean that much to you_

_But maybe it does to me._

_It cuts like a knife,_

_But since you're gone, I'm just_

_Only, cryin' lonely tonight._

_Only, cryin' lonely, hold me tight._

_And in the night, a light comes through,_

_But I'll still be_

_Only, cryin' lonely tonight._

_But I'll show the one who's there_

_That I will always care_

_But I'll still be_

_Only, cryin' lonely tonight._

_Only, cryin' lonely, hold me tight._

_And in the night, a light comes through,_

_But I'll still be_

_Only, cryin' lonely tonight._

She slowly faded the final chorus out and immediately had the air forced from her lungs as Ichigo aggressively embraced her; she squeaked.

"If you were feeling that way, why didn't you just tell me?" he whispered.

Rukia pushed Ichigo off and snorted. "I'm not. I'm just being creative. Besides, there're far better guys out there I can find comfort in than you!"

Ichigo chuckled. "Name one, and Renji doesn't count."

She sulked and put her guitar away. "You win. Dinner had better be worth it." As she stood the red head's lips met hers, she was angered at first and then fell into it before the two locked the bedroom door and performed acts that would make excellent lyrical themes for Byakuya.

* * *

Kisuke strutted into his small home (after getting his new hat stuck in the doorway) while making phaser sound effects from a funk and or porno soundtrack to exemplify his new attire.

"I'm back bitches!" he shouted while pounding his cane on the floor. Yoruichi entered, took one look at Kisuke and promptly left. Though he couldn't see her, he could literally _feel_ her hysterical grin and eyes rolling at the same time. Isshin chucked and looked at his friend in disbelief.

"Well, what do you think?" the blonde man asked, his face completely hidden by the shadow cast by the hat.

"Way too much purple for a guy with yellow skin."

Kisuke smirked and flipped Isshin off, who just sighed and walked away with quite the smile of his own. The would be pimp removed his hat and threw it onto the couch, watching it glide like a flimsy Frisbee.

"Well I hope you and the star captain are ready to get to work," the scientist's grey eyes were burning with eagerness. The things a new hat can do for a man.

"Byakuya's been in the studio writing all day, I hope he's as ready as you seem to be." Isshin and Kisuke both headed for the recording room where the black haired captain was sitting in deep thought.

"Coming up with new songs, or new drugs to try?" Isshin mused.

"I'm going to need new backup singers, but I don't know of anyone. I've been waiting for my sister to show up so I could ask if she knew anyone, but I think that fire headed devil is doing… things… to her." The nobleman shivered a little at the thought.

"You can still lay down the lead; we can add the girls later in another track." Kisuke said anxiously. Though he dreaded the aural assault that lay before him, and in all honesty would _rather _have someone shit into his ears because it wouldn't be half as bad and would be quicker, knowing that this project could be just one more song closer to finished was driving him more than anything.

"I was working most of the day," Byakuya began, "I was rewriting the songs that we have recorded already."

'Fucking a, I have to do this _again_?' the blonde man thought, but smiled and nodded. "Sounds wonderful, shall we start?"

"It's mostly just the lyrics, so we can keep the music that you've already recorded for me."

'Oh thank the gods' Kisuke thought. "Okay, whenever you're ready."

"I need to find new girls first."

'God damn it.' The blonde reaper face palmed for a second then ran his hand through his hair. "Well, you can always give your sister a call and ask now. Better than prowling about the school and looking like a pedo."

"But…"

Urahara tossed his cell phone to the captain. "Now." The nobleman left the room for better reception, leaving the two producers.

"I hope you're day job is still running smoothly, you know, since you've been here for the past few weeks instead of the clinic." Kisuke started.

"I'm all set; I took this out as a vacation time to get ready for Ichigo and Rukia's graduation party."

"Ah ha. Hope that parties coming nicely…"

"Meh, I'll get to it before next week."

"I'll be honest with you, changing the subject; I think I may just have to kill myself before this is done, in fact…" the former captain grabbed the defibrillator that Isshin had brought. He stuck the paddles on his chest and pushed the knobs to maximum as the device sang with electrical charge signaling it was ready for use.

"Stop it!" the doctor shouted while taking off the paddles and cutting power. Kisuke promptly put them back on and charged the machine again. Isshin repeated his previous actions before putting the defibrillator away.

"You've had worse projects than _this_! Look over at the wall." Isshin stood and went to the pictures detailing Kisuke's golden days. "Look here; Pills n' Daggers' 'Soviet Democracy'. You spent fifteen years on this thing, mostly just trying to get it released. And what did you get? No thanks from the band, since two of them were dead and the rest were doing solo projects, but you stuck with it all the way no matter how much it sucked. By the time it came out the Soviet Union had fallen and the meaning of every song was obsolete but you didn't care. Even though it was shit, the effort was all that mattered to you!"

"Yeah, but I had my name removed from it before the release just so I wouldn't be associated with it."

"Oh. It was _that _one? Whoops, I was thinking of another venture, but anyway, you've never given up before and you never say 'I quit', no matter how bad the project is!"

"I quit. There I just said it! See I can do that you know."

"Just think; when all this is done and over, you can relax, have a nice cold beer and watch as the world turns against Kuchiki Byakuya and turns him into the greatest laughing stock since Hulk Hogan made a record."

"Taking me with him." Kisuke said sternly.

"You can always remove your name like you did on 'Democracy'."

"Hmm. What the hell? This should be pretty funny. Besides, if I can get back into Soul Society, we can hit our favorite bars and chase the gals like in the good ol' days!"

"Now you're getting it!" Isshin shouted as he smacked Kisuke on the shoulder.

* * *

Ichigo and Rukia were just reaching the height of their… extravaganza, when the small girl's soul pager went off. The duo continued their romantic movements until it started again, and again. Rukia pulled away as Ichigo raised his hands in protest, a feather in one of them, as his partner left to answer the phone, which was still in her shirt now thrown across the room. This had better be an emergency.

Rukia rubbed her temples and let out a very long sigh as she listened. The strawberry frowned, knowing full well they were not to resume their activities this day. Yet another bit of love ruined. Usually it was a hollow attack, but from the expression Rukia wore, it was obviously something stupid. Perhaps it was Orihime forgetting the graduation procedure yet again out of excitement.

"I'll be in the bathroom, you know why." Ichigo said quietly as he passed the girl on his way out of the bedroom. When he returned, Rukia was dressed and had the same face on that she did when he accidentally showed his secret fetish film.

"American Fucking Idol is coming to your house," she growled.

"Uh..."

"That was my brother. He needs new backup singers and is holding auditions here, in like half an hour. He'll be here in fifteen minutes so put your pants on. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call the whiniest, bitchiest girls in school that will be sure to gossip enough to spread the word in such a short time."

"Why here!?" Ichigo shouted.

"I don't know why; just help out before I have a stroke!"

She stormed down the stairs and went to a phone book, to look up the names of all the girls she hated who would be sure to tell everyone about the auditions at the Kurosaki home. Ichigo looked into the living room and spotted his sisters watching television.

"Hey, care to help your brother out?" he began. Karin stared at the tube, ignoring him.

"Sure, what do you need?" Yuzu chirped.

"Can you two design some signs? A friend of Rukia and mine is having some singing auditions here and…"

"No! No way, we're not having that kind of bullshit here." Karin snapped.

"Oh come on, it'll be fun!" Yuzu sang as she grabbed her twin and pulled her to their bedroom to get to work." Karin scowled at her older brother as she left the room.

"Just put stuff like 'auditions held here' and stuff like that. And watch your language Karin!" he shouted around the corner.

"Well, the whole city will know shortly." Rukia said as she entered the room. "Byakuya owes me for this; the only two gossipy girls I know of are the same ones that trashed me. You know how awkward it is to call two bimbos who dumped shit all over you just a few hours ago? Or better yet, how about one that you nearly killed?"

"I can only imagine."

* * *

Byakuya arrived right on time and immediately began to rearrange Ichigo's house so as best to fit a large number of prospective singers. In the process he broke a lamp, the frames housing two family portraits, a video game controller, and the lever of Isshin's favorite recliner. The twins came out to present their work just the captain was finishing his.

"Look at the signs we made Ich-nii!" Yuzu said as she ran to her brother. Byakuya intercepted.

"Wow, these are so good. You two must be _so_ proud of yourselves!" he said in a very condescending fashion. He then looked to Ichigo. "Must be hard, raising _two_ 'special' kids like this with just your dad?" the nobleman whispered.

"There's nothing wrong with my sisters!" he snorted.

"Of course not, they're both… wonderful. Here, you two get a cookie!" he said to the twins and offered them a very small and very stale pastry from his shirt pocket. The girls looked at each other, and accepted before walking off, not wanting anymore to do with the captain.

An hour later, a mile long line was outside of the Kurosaki home formed of the blondest, dumbest and bustiest women in all of Karakura Town. As Kon walked about the house, he peered outside and had to double take.

"Thousands of sweet Himalayas ripe for the taking!" he shouted just before fainting.


	10. Juke Box Music

Named for a song by The Kinks. Took a while to get up with a very long and dull semester of school, but I'm done for good now and can focus on hobbies and my job as a photographer and video game composer. Yes, that's actually what I do for a living =D

* * *

_X. Juke Box Music_

"Don't you want to stay for the auditions; I don't want to be here alone!" Byakuya softly said to his little sister as she swiftly headed for the door.

"I hate reality shows like this, I hate the whole thing, why would I want to _live_ it?" she growled.

"Don't tell me you're, well, _jealous_ of their, um, you know… assets."

Rukia glared at her brother while standing in the back doorway, not wanting to be seen by the crowd, mostly due to the events at the cafeteria and knowing full well that those two bimbos would be there.

"Kon can keep you company," she said picking up the still fainted mod soul and hurling him at the captain, the doll woke just as he smashed into Byakuya's broad chest and screamed in pain.

"You can at least act like a lady!" he shouted after his petite sister but she was already gone. Had she heard his comment she would have returned his cries with even more unladylike phrases just for spite. As she hopped a fence in the Kurosaki backyard and into the alley, she peered over to see a line forming for a mile around the block. She sighed and bumped into a would-be-singer waiting in the second line wrapped around the house.

"Hey no cutting!" the whiney teen dreamer and her three look alikes chirped in unison.

"Eat me." Rukia snarled and pushed her way through the crowds. News vans were starting to pull up and the curious looked on wondering if there was a huge disaster a few blocks away. If they only knew how right they were. She finally got away from the horde and headed to the park, hopefully it would be emptier than the back streets and lanes had been. When she arrived, she was happy to find only a few children tossing around a partially deflated basketball while their mothers gossiped nearby and texted on their cell phones at the same time.

"God damn, I need to get away from him; I never thought I'd miss the days when he wouldn't even look at me!" Rukia mumbled to herself while thinking of Byakuya. She leaned back and let the warm May breeze stroke her cheeks. The setting sun graced the park in a light golden hue. She relaxed a little more and realized that the air smelled of buffalo sauce, hot dogs, grime, fast food and overall disappointment.

"I never realized that that's exactly what the city was," she said to herself. "Ha, Byakuya will learn _that_ soon enough! He'll be eaten alive out here if he ever gets this stupid project finished and tries to sell it." The more she thought about her brother's work, the more she began to consider her own. She had songs, and enough time to write music for them, but the overall cost of maintaining her guitar, and the inevitability that she would need at least one that was electric for heavier tracks made her discouraged. Where was she to get enough money? Granted, she had been earning a small sum from Urahara by selling goods in the Soul Society (unbeknownst to Ichigo) but it wasn't nearly enough to keep her gear up to date, and with Kisuke working with music again, business was certainly slow, if not dead.

"I can't keep borrowing from Isshin either," she said aloud again, this time drawing the attention of a jogger who looked at her like she had just walked off the farm. Sighing she stood from the bench and gazed out at the city.

"Gods give me a sign!" she shouted, drawing more bizarre stares. Continuing her gaze into Karakura, she observed a help wanted notice in a small coffee house.

"Eh, works for me…"

* * *

Urahara's entire store throbbed with offbeat bass. Small ceramic shingles had begun to slide off his roof from the force. Jinta, Ururu and Tessai stood outside with large earmuffs on to block the noise. Inside, Isshin and Kisuke danced intensively to the techno beat, simultaneously waving about a ribbon synchronized to the groove.

"What the hell is this?" Yoruichi said, covering her ears, while staring at the dancing duo.

"It's Deutsche Musik!" Kisuke hollered through an infectious grin. She only gave him a puzzled expression.

"It's the latest tracks in German techno, come on, join in!"

Yoruichi glared slightly and turned off the speakers.

"You know how many times the police called about the noise? Do you _really_ want them to send a car over and find a bunch of kids working manual labor out front, or worse yet, any evidence of dead hookers?"

"Ah, we took care of that! Besides, I can just say that the kids damaged my property and this is an arrangement with their parents to pay off the damage. See, I always have a plan." He said the last part very sultry and made a small stride towards the woman to try to plant a kiss on her cheek. She blocked his hand as he reached to pull her face towards his.

"Don't." she said sternly. Kisuke rolled his eyes and sat in the small couch in his studio.

"Aw, nobody loves me."

Yoruichi smirked and picked up his pimp hat from the mixing board and tossed it, landing it perfectly on his head.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyways, Isshin, I thought I should let you know. Ichigo called and wants you home right now. Apparently, a certain noble is wrecking havoc."

"Oh gods." he said, wondering how much damage had been caused, or irreversible trauma to his daughters. The last thing they needed to see was a grown man strutting about the house in the nude, singing songs about his unit. He gathered up some of the medical supplies that he had brought over and swiftly left the shop without a word.

"This whole job seems like a dream I can't wake up from, and I haven't done my homework on the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer Conjecture, and I'm naked." Kisuke said while slouching and sighing heavily.

"You just have to make it fun for yourself!" Yoruichi said half-heartedly, knowing that there was nothing the least bit enjoyable about working with a self centered nobleman who thus far had done more work getting high than recording even a suitable demo.

"Hey, why don't you record yourself for a change?" she said while looking at her partner playing with his pimp hat. The scientist gave her a small smirk as he considered it.

"Well, it has been a while since I created a track of myself."

"You could always put it online, or sell CDs in town for some extra money."

"True. But what can I do without a whole band, I'm still not ready for that…"

"Just make it a solo project! You can work with the classical repertoire, you're certainly good enough _and_ since its all public domain, there's no worry about permission to sell it! Just work on it when you're not laboring over Byakuya's bullshit."

"Hmm, well there is an audience for it, small but reliable, and it'd be fun. Aw hell, why not?" He stood, hung his hat on a nearby chair and went to his consol.

"Granted, I love classical but I'd much prefer to do something jazzy, but with the captain's retarded project, I have no time for arranging anything for solo keys. _And_ I'll be working with Rukia on hers as well, not that that's a bad thing." Kisuke said excitedly as he prepped his computer and began micing the piano.

"You're not starting _now_ are you?" Yoruichi asked calmly.

"Why not? Kuchiki's at Isshin's doing god knows what and for how long. The way I see it, I can probably get two tracks in before he comes back, and the chances he'll get to work right away are zero, so maybe I can get four!" The blonde shinigami was bursting with vigor for the first time in days, and there were no drugs involved.

"Do you know what you want to play?" his partner asked, again quite tranquil. It was nice seeing him active and ambitious again!

"I'll start with some of the romantics today, a few by Chopin, maybe Rachmaninoff. If I get some time over the next few days I can do some Scarlatti. Not Bach though; never been a fan. Too many notes; it's just a wall of sound from start to finish; not enough drama. Damn it, if I ever said that online I'm sure some idiot with a YouTube account and no work of his own would kill me, ha!"

"Well to each their own! You do what makes you happy and play who you have a love for."

"Feel free to stay here; it'll be the first time I've played for an audience in a while. Knowingly, that is."

After several minutes and numerous adjustments to the microphones he rigged a remote to his devices so that he could initiate the recording while sitting at the ivories. He sat humbly before the instrument, considering his first piece. After the long pause, he activated the recorder and began to play Chopin's Scherzo #3 in C# minor. The agitated introduction built in volume as he gracefully and precisely hit each chord, driving into the complex motif. Even the softest notes of the piece rang beautifully from the old piano, the higher tones mingling gently into one another like a grand harp. With each return to the theme, Kisuke played on par with the best performers, if not surpassing them, even going so far as to adding the slightest ornaments of his own creation; something that would be viewed as faux pas in the classical school. But the former captain was beyond that sense, and his decorative phrases took nothing away from the original print and only added a touch of originality, humility, and not a robotic method of performance that too many musicians had adopted over the ensuing centuries. His fingers swiftly pressed into each key; high, low and of all dynamic voicings with a flawlessness that would make even the greatest of contemporaries blush with embarrassment at their own interpretation. He struck the final chords with perfect accuracy and let the room fall silent before stopping the recording process.

"Eh, well that sucked." Kisuke said, as he got ready to delete his track. Yoruichi immediately intervened and smacked his hand away from the console.

"What do you mean?" she sternly said to her companion.

"The notes are a little sloppy in the upper register on one of the fast parts, it should have been bigger at others and it doesn't have enough emotion."

"The only thing that sucks here is your self esteem! It was _perfect_, why, why, _why_ must you shoot yourself at ever opportunity you get? You're finding mistakes that aren't there and criticizing yourself in a way that would make even the snootiest American classical school ashamed!"

"Sure. I could send a copy of this to a place like Juilliard and they'd write back saying it's not good enough, and too 'jazzy' or some stupid thing like that." Kisuke had now backed away from the consol and was playing around with the keyboard, goofily supplying a soundtrack to the movements his lover was making as she moved closer to him.

"Even if it were horrid, wouldn't me telling you it was good be a reason to keep it?" she purred into his ear.

"Oh alright." Kisuke sighed and flicked a stray hair from his brow. "But the next one I'm going to video tape too and post it online, and _then_ I'll show you." He stood once more and saved the performance, then bounced it to his hard drive as an audio file.

"As long as you don't pull an Ichigo and post a fetish tape up I'm for it," she said referencing the amusing incident several days ago, which she had unfortunately missed.

"Aw, but that was gonna be a surprise!" Kisuke mockingly whined as he got a smack upside the head.

* * *

Isshin stood in disbelief at what had become of his home and place of work. A throbbing throng of young, mostly bleach blonde, women stretched out his front door, down the road and through the back alley, four times! Vendors had gathered to cash in on the mysterious mass and the remains of old hot dogs, lemonade cups, and Italian ice littered his front lawn and hedges. From inside, the sounds of screaming and belt sanders on chalkboards echoed, at least that's what it sounded like to Isshin. Some groups of girls were gathered around, hugging and crying while droning about how it was wrong for the judges to reject them. And by their obnoxious voices as they sobbed, the former reaper could see why.

'Well,' he thought, 'at least Byakuya did the one thing Ichigo failed, filled the house with hotties!'

He cautiously approached and forced his way through the mob, ignoring the shouting as he cut through them, and entered his home. The carpet was torn and stained, furniture was rearranged and damaged and crying wannabes were dripping tears onto his stairs as they lounged about them. In the living room the television lay shattered on the floor and a raspy voiced girl with larger than necessary breasts belted a cruddy song from the top forty on the stand where the set once stood. Ichigo was covering his hears while Byakuya and Kon stared at the girl's chest, oblivious to the cries of Hell that escaped her throat.

"Um, very good… uh, Keiko," Ichigo began.

"You're in!" Kon sang and dove towards the contestant's upper body where Isshin quickly deflected him.

"I don't need a lawsuit here, settle down!" the doctor said as he entered the room.

"You suck, next!" Ichigo quickly stated as the girl started to bubble and ran to the stairs of rejects.

"Byakuya, you'd better make a million off this project to pay back the damages to my home. And what the hell is wrong with you, letting a freakin' talking stuffed animal judge contestants? Don't you think that that's a _little_ bit queer?" Isshin blasted the nobleman for his thoughtlessness.

"Dad, these girls are so dim that they didn't even _notice_ Kon. You'd think they went to American school." Ichigo sighed. "Can you take over for me?"

"No!" he sternly said, "I'm taking over for Kon. Then we're wrapping this bullshit up, having a few drinks to celebrate and going to sleep where we'll dream of the best lookers here, but without mouths."

Kon fell into a shock and desperately tried to change the shinigami's mind but soon found himself falling down the laundry chute. After reorganizing the living room to suit the auditions, three judges resumed their aural torment. Ichigo could swear that he was beginning to hear his brain cells dying as one girl began to sing using only beeps and chirps as words. As she continued her symphony of computer noise, one of her teeth fell from her rotting gums. She stopped mid "song", and attempted to put it back in her mouth while talking about the side effects of meth. Next!

Two hours later, Ichigo looked at his left hand and counted the cuts on it. He had been playing knife games with his pen in an attempt to tolerate the damnation and wounded himself as his mind wandered. Two familiar voices then greeted the spiky headed teen. He looked up to find Orihime and Tatsuke. Either they came to try their luck with Captain Kuchiki, to cheer Ichigo up or they were really angels of death in disguise coming to relieve him of his nightmare.

"What are you staring at?" Tatsuke growled at the reaper. Apparently his thoughts had wandered again, and it looked as if he was staring at Orihime's chest. Adding to this was the drool from forgetting to swallow. Great. He was now a Kon.

"What? Nothing, nothing! Ah, just get on with it!" he shouted trying to recover from another moment of social awkwardness.

"Hm, you'd better hope that Rukia doesn't catch you acting like that," Tatsuke said as Orihime prepared their CD.

"Anytime you're ready girls!" Isshin said, hoping that they would have at least a flake of talent. Or even a molecule compared to the "competition" the judges had gone through earlier. The duo quickly began their routine; a very risqué rendition of "Big Spender" complete with choreography. Both could dance, that was a obvious, and given Byakuya's subject matter, they would certainly fit the bill. The dance was raw and steaming, and many a time the faces of the judges were given close view of the girls' "gifts". The Sixth Squad captain was red and clearly trying to hide the fire down below. For voices, Tatsuke was an alto and Orihime a soprano; they complimented one another beautifully. When the routine was over, the room was silent. Ichigo, Isshin and Byakuya were all sweating and hunched over in an attempt to hide a growing embarrassment. The stillness was at last shattered as Isshin loudly declared, "that's our Hitler!"

A few blocks of contestants were still waiting for their turn when Byakuya stepped outside and declared that the contest was over. Loud cries echoed throughout Karakura Town and could probably be heard in the Soul Society as the remaining girls heard the news. Some came up to spit at the captain and the Kurosaki home. Some kicked down flowers growing by the front gate and others put their gum in the hedges. The nobleman returned inside.

"Well, at least this is over with." Ichigo muttered as his sisters reemerged from their rooms, amazed at the damage.

"I'll get the vacuum…" Yuzu began, her face looking as though she had just seen a Jason movie for the first time.

"Nonsense, I'll take care of it!" Isshin started. "Ichigo, since it was so hectic tonight we'll have take out and give little Yuzu a break. Go out and get some tacos or something. Tell Rukia it's safe to come home too!" He handed his son money to feed the four and their adoptive daughter who was, well, only the gods knew where.

* * *

"One large mocha latte with extra foam and syrup!" Rukia said rapidly as she served a customer. He had to be at least the hundredth she had in just a few short hours. Despite the girl's lack of experience, the coffee shop couldn't deny her speed at taking orders, preparing them and satisfying patrons so quickly. She wasn't even supposed to start for another week but with seven extra caffeinated cappuccinos coursing through her small body, she couldn't resist an early start. In tips alone, Rukia had already earned nearly fifty dollars, and with her hyperactive work ethic, the paychecks would be carrying some additional reward. As she was catering to the final late night coffee addicts, she caught a quick glimpse of Ichigo walking by with several bags from Taco Bell, who paused, looked into the window and entered the building.

"Ichigo! Care for a free sample of frozen butterscotch toffee coffee?" Rukia said all to quickly, requiring her to repeat herself at least a dozen times as she moved about the counter with the pace of a hummingbird, preparing the beverage before the other shinigami could answer.

"My family has been worried sick about you! And you're here working a menial job at the Tava Java?" he shouted, forcing many of the clientele to exit the café. Rukia only made a pouting face.

"I need the extra money if I'm gonna be a famous rock star. Just coz I have a nose piercing, which by the way itches like a son of a bitch right now, doesn't mean anything. I need to get and maintain gear!" She was jumping around the counter at this point while ranting about all the things she would need or wanted, most had nothing to do with being a rock star, such as a back massager, Chappy nightlight and a Hummer. Well, maybe the Hummer. Made of platinum.

"While you're doing this, whose watching out for hollows? I can't be everywhere at once."

"Pfft, I _think_ I can work a latte machine and kill a few hollows, I have a mod soul too you know…"

"Yeah, and it's borderline retarded! You'd lose this job in a millisecond once you pop that thing!"

"At least I use mine. Last three times, _three times_, we went into battle with a hollow you had to get back to your lifeless body as the freakin' hearse pulled up!"

"They never called a hearse, and it was only a matter of convincing the paramedics I was fine!"

"And then you'll find one day that your body has been cremated while you were off dealing with an arrancar. I'd _love_ to see the look on your face when you heard that news."

"Midget."

"Name calling are we?" Rukia was beginning fume as the café completely vacated, no one wanted to get near the arguing duo, or know what the hell he or she were talking about.

"What, you can't do better?" Ichigo said slyly, wearing a painfully annoying smirk. The raven-haired girl took a deep sigh and flung the coffee she had prepared for him into his face. Ichigo screamed and proceeded to run about the Tava Java, tripping over tables and chairs in the process and spilling the contents of one of his take out bags.

"Oh for the love of every god, it's _cold_! If you sue over this I'm going to murder you!"

Rukia sighed and looked at the damage she had caused. Her boss was fortunately in the back of the building and was unaware of the argument.

"I'm heading home now!" she shouted into the back, she got a quick and perky 'okay' as she collected her tips and hung up her Tava Java hat that looked like a cheap generic visor that had been stolen from a Dunkin Donuts and had the name scratched off with an arcade token. She waited outside the establishment for Ichigo, who was trying to see what was salvageable for dinner. He was not the least bit pleased when he joined the small girl outside.

"Looks like I'm going hungry tonight…" he said rather nonchalantly considering the circumstances.

"Oh come on, we can share. I don't eat that much." She replied, just as casually while taking in the night's scenery.

"And despite all of this, I'm still going to take you on that freakin' fancy date tomorrow night. Not because I forgive you or anything, but because I can't cancel the reservations without twenty four hours notice…"

"Whatevers clevers. Come on; let's get home. Oh, how'd American Idol go?" Rukia was still on a caffeine high and her mind was racing about as much as her heart.

"A travesty, Tatsuke and Orihime are now your brother's backup."

"Oh dear God. Well, I hope they can handle it."

"Believe me, I think they're everything he could ever want…"

* * *

The Kurosaki home was still in shambles. Isshin had only managed to clean the living room and stack his ruined furniture in a corner until he could make a dumpster run at the nearest elementary school. Yuzu was still flabbergasted at the damage and had paced around the building at least three dozen times just to survey it. Rukia burst through the front door leaving Ichigo to balance the fast food, close the door and starch an itch on his back.

"I hope you're up for some Mexican Drano," Ichigo said as he awkwardly placed the fast food on the kitchen table.

"Why call it that?" Rukia asked while going through the bags, trying to make the cheap contents look classier.

"Oh don't worry, you'll find out soon enough," Karin answered as she took a seat.

The rest of the family soon joined in, doing their best to ignore the disaster zone that was once their house. At least it would be an interesting story. Someday. In twenty years or so.


	11. Die Laughing

It's officially been a year since I updated. There's a good reason. Last New Year's I found out that my best friend was pregnant from a rape, and I worked my ass off to rescue her from that abusive relationship. Well, the good news is I did just that! He's going away for a _long_ time and I've been helping her and the little girl out as best I can. Needless to say, I was not in the mood for laughing or writing humor at all for the duration of that mission.

Despite all this, I did try to make this on par with the other chapters. This one is named after a song by Therapy?, an awesome Irish punk/alternative band and a great song too.

* * *

_XI. Die Laughing_

Renji yawned loudly as he watched the sun rise over the Squad 6 barracks. It had been quite some time since Byakuya went off to the living world without leaving much information as to why in his wake. In the captain's absence, things had certainly gotten boring. There were no hollow hunts, corrupt politicians to deal with, and the whole Aizen incident was long since over. The best action available involved drunken grudge matches between members of 11th and anyone who happened to trot past them, and games of strip poker involving Rangiku and a few quarts of sake.

The only benefit the situation posed to the temperamental lieutenant was that he was officially running the squad. While the position gave quite the rise to his ego, he had little understanding of what exactly to do with the growing bulge peeking out from his self-esteem. Not that there _was_ much to do. Like most mornings since Kuchiki's departure, Renji spent an hour meandering about the barracks, looking to instill fear in his subordinates and make threatening or obscene gestures as he saw fit. Usually that meant harassing the rookies in charge of maintaining hell butterflies. This day was no different, and soon the flame haired man was standing in the doorway of the chamber housing the said creatures. Only one, inexperienced kid was present, chasing a stray butterfly in an incompetent attempt to capture it in a broken net.

"What is the meaning of this?" Renji shouted in the most aggressive tone he could muster through his drowsiness. The hapless young man dropped his net and immediately bowed before his current commander.

"I apologize Lieutenant Abarai, it's just that this one's been fussy lately and won't listen to me at all and…"

"Enough! I'm trying to run a tight ship here. I want discipline, strength and an attitude that screams 'fear me'!" Renji was now breathing down the face of his subordinate. "But what do I find when I come over here? You prancing about chasing a butterfly! Would you like me to go out and purchase you a tutu while I'm at it? Hmm?"

"N…No sir!" the young man desperately replied, shaking violently in his sandals.

"What's your name?" Renji asked slyly, showing a maddening grin and taking pleasure in the tremors coursing through the bones of his latest victim.

"It…it's Kisho, sir."

"Hmm, Kisho. Well, I'll be keeping my eye on you." Renji said sternly before walking away. He chuckled to himself once out of the chamber and delighted in the sounds of pouting from the doorway. Maybe he was too harsh? Nah, he used to be in 11th himself, he was allowed to do this sort of thing.

"Having fun running the show?" a voice asked from the shadows.

"And just what are you doing prowling about my territory, Shuhei?" Renji asked nonchalantly as the other lieutenant stepped into his view.

"Just wondering if you have any updates on Captain Kuchiki's project. I missed last week's Eye on Soul Society and they had a segment on it," he said while stretching his back, apparently not the only one just waking up.

"Um, what exactly are you talking about?"

"Gods, are you really that stupid?"

"I have no idea what the captain is doing and even less of a clue what this 'Eye' thing you're blabbering about is." Renji leaned against the nearest wall, still listening to the cries of the young man he had just tormented.

"You've honestly never seen Kurotsuchi's show? It's only the biggest hit on the air! Well, technically it's only one of five programs on the air, but it's the best!"

"Television is just another living world fad, I don't need to get into that BS." Renji slumped and began to poorly carve doodles into the floor of the barracks.

"Well, if you had bothered, maybe you'd know that your superior is working on what may be the greatest musical album of all time!" Shuhei smacked the back of his peer's head. The other shinigami looked towards his colleague, dumbfounded.

"He's _what_?"

"He's recording a masterpiece of music in the living world with Urahara Kisuke as we speak. Seriously, he'll be more renown for this than any of his deeds in the wars."

"I never knew that Byakuya was so talented…" Renji began to picture his commander twirling his hair like a windmill while playing a shining electric guitar and singing songs about killing. It actually fit him.

"I never said anything about talent! This is a masterpiece all right, a masterpiece of tripe!" Shuhei was beaming. "Well, that's what they're saying anyways. And knowing Kuchiki, it'll be nothing more than a blatant exposition of arrogance."

"Oh, good lord." Renji said while standing. So this is how he'd ascend to the captaincy, above the endless mockery of what might soon be the former leader of Squad 6 and head of the most respected noble house.

"Well thanks for letting me know, Shuhei. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go plan a little trip of my own."

"You're not going to Earth, are you?"

"And miss this? No way!" The red head was smiling like a psychopath on spree of murder. "Besides, Rukia's graduating from the human school soon and I'd like to be there. Not that she needed to do any this anyway but yeah, free food, drink, and parties? I'm game."

"Well you take care of yourself, don't cause any trouble, blah, blah, blah." Shuhei said with a smirk before flash stepping away.

'So Urahara's back in the business, eh?' Renji thought. 'I guess I can finally start working on my little side project!'

* * *

Kisuke stared into his computer monitor with slumping eyes. After recording the Chopin scherzo he decided to try his hand at a few more pieces. While he only managed three more; Rachmaninoff's Prelude Op. 23, No. 2 in B-flat Major, Chopin's Etude Op. 25. No. 1, the Aeolian Harp, and Mendelssohn's Hunting Song: Op. 19, No 3, he had spent the night going through each track repeatedly looking for errors, mixing and mastering them. Byakuya was again missing in action, and the former captain could only speculate the sort of dilemma he could be initiating at the moment. As he was bouncing the last audio file to his computer's hard drive, Yoruichi stumbled into the studio and glared at her partner.

"You never came to bed last night," she stated viciously.

"Nope, too busy. Might as well get my stuff together while I can," Kisuke said, his voice weak and monotone. Even as his companion approached, his grey eyes never left the monitor. "Just about done."

"I swear, you're always finding a new way to kill yourself," she said while taking a seat next to the flaxen haired man.

"And what do you mean by that?" he said rather shocked, swiveling his chair to meet her gaze.

"Well, let's see; you've nearly blown yourself up at the academy, drug abuse, a near execution for, well, that particular concert, more drugs and now sleep deprivation."

"Oh well. You knew what you signed up for when you came with me." Kisuke's smile was devilish, although a bit forced and out of place on his exhausted visage. He was quickly back to work, this time fumbling with a camcorder; trying to see where he could plug it into his computer through his weighty eyes.

"Good news is I finished some songs of my own, and as you can see, even made that video you requested so that I can show off or something like that… I taped the Hunting Song, I know how much you love it."

"Well, once you post it online you should get a good boost to that pathetic self-esteem of yours."

"We shall see," Kisuke said while at last securing his camera to his processor. "Why don't you head into the kitchen, I'll be right in to cook up breakfast after I upload my little film here."

"Don't worry, I'll man the stove. In your state all I can expect is a house fire." Yoruichi left quietly as her companion once again fell into the mechanized gaze of his monitor. Minutes later he watched as his performance became assimilated into the endless world of the Web.

'Gods help me…' was all he could think of as the upload finished.

* * *

The front door to Urahara's shop slammed open as Isshin made his entrance. He looked just as weary as Kisuke, and with good reason. His entire evening had been spent cleaning up the disaster Byakuya had left in the aftermath of his auditions. By the time the first round of cleaning had ended, it was already time to wake up Ichigo and the twins for school. To make matters worse, he had to comfort Yuzu all morning, it seemed she was still recovering from the shock of seeing her daily household maintenance efforts annihilated in a matter of hours.

"What's for… that meal people have in the morning?" Isshin grumbled as he took a seat in the kitchen. Yoruichi looked at the other man and sighed heavily.

"Let me guess, you were up all night too?" she asked like a mother to her prepubescent son who had just disobeyed his parents' best wishes.

"Only thanks to a certain nobleman…" he said before sulking in his chair, slightly nodding off.

"Hey, it's a mirror!" Kisuke said upon seeing his friend. "Goddamn we should take the day off and just sleep, like we did on tour." Isshin scoffed loudly and forced himself out of his micro nap.

"Kuchiki's coming over later today, he got his dream girls so he's pumped. Lord knows where he is, but I'm willing to put down money that he'll show up stoned again."

"So who'd he pick in the end?" Yoruichi asked softly while burning an egg as she was finishing it.

"Orihime and Tatsuke; thank the gods they're legal. They haven't a clue as to what they've signed up for." Isshin said into a slice of toast that had just been placed before him. The two men sat staring at one another for several minutes, drifting between a peaceful fairy tale and reality. Breakfast had been served, and Yoruichi had left for her morning race around the city. The hum of neurons and gently circulating blood was all that could be heard.

"We need help." Kisuke finally said after poking at his cold fried egg. "I mean, I'm doing my own project, Rukia's, this shit storm Byakuya brought us, and you need to get back to your medical practice. And how about that graduation party, it's only a week away!"

"When did we get old?" Isshin asked somewhat slyly, considering how hard it was for him to make a sarcastic smirk. Urahara chuckled at the comment as he searched his brain for anyone who could assist in the studio. A large smile erupted on his face as he headed to the phone.

"I know just the person to call!"

* * *

"Happy Senior Week!" Keigo shouted as he frolicked through the hallways of Karakura High, delicately sprinkling flower petals about the heads of all entering the building. Ichigo sighed as he observed the spectacle. Rukia and Orihime were tearing up with other girls as they reminisced about their yesteryears (Rukia, clearly faking it), Mizuiro was chasing after a few chickens that had been set loose inside the school as part of a senior prank, Uryu was exchanging homemade gifts with his sewing club friends and Chad was just standing there, as usual. And to think, this was just the first day of it! Traditionally, Senior Week began on the Friday before the final week of classes, with the weekend dedicated to the yearbook ceremony and prom and the week itself full of final exams. Ichigo had no intentions on going to any of the "festivities", and thankfully neither did Rukia. He already had told Keigo to pick up their yearbooks for them. There was just far too much work to do; studying for the most difficult finals (namely pre-calculus for Ichigo), planning for college life at the end of summer, basic shinigami duties, and of course the record studio. Bracing himself for the emotional explosion generated by the soon-to-be-graduates, Ichigo entered the babbling fray just as the first bell rang.

Homeroom was filled with an assortment of laughter, crying and general disarray. Conversations ranged from university studies to bets on who could earn the most girls by end of summer while students filtered in and out of each room with no direction in mind, much to the dismay of the envious underclassmen. Ichigo had planned for such chaos and quickly pulled out a pair of headphones and plugged them into an mp3 player he had brought along. Usually such actions would be punishable but even his teacher was just lounging at her desk, skimming through a catalog of skimpy summer outfits. Rukia seemed to be busy working on new song lyrics. She was quickly scribbling lines of text on a blank notebook page, pausing every so often to contemplate a suitable chord to go along with her words and any melody she was building. Ichigo wondered if she was really going to follow along with this seriously or if it was just a fad. She was certainly talented, he gave her that, but with her duties as a shinigami coming first, he was curious if she could successfully balance it. No matter, success in that business was a very big "if" indeed, even with her talent and looks, it still might not be enough. At least she stood a better chance than her brother.

By the start of first period, much of the pandemonium amongst the seniors had waned. Classes were pretty much pointless, only a quick review over important exam points were brought up and much of the day was spent saying goodbyes with instructors and discussing future plans after graduation. Once senior lunch period arrived, the morning atmosphere began to return with greater intensity as the school day neared its conclusion. The traditional high school cliques had broken down for the most part, but the same familiar faces sat at Ichigo usual table.

"So, singing for my brother, eh?" Rukia asked Orihime and Tatsuke.

"Oh yes, it's going to be so much fun!" Orihime chirped, unaware of the horrors Byakuya had unleashed with his last… entourage.

"Well don't let him push you around. He can be a real pain in the ass." Rukia answered before starting her meal.

"He was such a gentlemen at the audition, I guess you just have to grow on him." Tatsuke said.

'Yeah, that wasn't the only thing growing there,' Ichigo thought. He was dreading the ordeal the nobleman might put some of his best friends through, simply for personal gratification.

"So Ichigo," Keigo started, "what are your plans for the future?"

"Well, I figured I'd follow my dad and go into medicine," he replied. He had been considering that for quite some time now. Growing up in a clinic, he had more experience than most students and at the end of the day, it just felt right.

"Nice, I'm going to America to study film production. My English is a little, eh, but I already got accepted to a school in California." Keigo said, glowing. "Yup, next time you see me, I'll be the next Spielberg!"

"Good luck on that one. You'll probably just be selling fries and be in debt for the next half of your life." Mizuiro said slyly. "I'm taking the next year off to travel a bit and find my calling. No need to rush."

"Yeah, if you have the cash." Tatsuke inserted, knowing full well she'd have no choice but to work for the next year, or get really lucky in the lottery, if she wanted to make a living. Teaching and partaking in the martial arts was her passion, and although she was already living it, it was barely enough to survive off of by itself.

"I'm hoping to become a world famous chef, and have my own TV show!" Orihime said with a smile.

"Go for it!" Ichigo said kindly, knowing full well it'd take an army with concrete stomachs to hold down her recipes. That, and her tendency to change her goals on a daily basis, didn't help much for deciding a career at the given time. Maybe things would actually work out with Byakuya? Nah.

"What about you, Rukia?" Keigo asked. "You've never really told us what you're goals are. Anything special or are you just discovering the world like Mizuiro?"

Rukia paused for a moment. She had never really considered it, already being a full time shinigami and all. Looking back, she realized just how – human – she had become during her time in the living world. She glanced at the scrap of paper she had been composing on, flicked the hair from her face and stood before all her friend before shouting, "I'm going to be a rock star!"

* * *

"So, this is really gonna happen, huh?" Ichigo asked Rukia as they forced their way through the surge of cheering seniors, headings towards Urahara's.

"Worth a try!" she shouted over the crowd, "I've been working on a few new songs, maybe when Kisuke gets some free time he'll let me record them!

After a few blocks, the crowds had thinned enough for the two reapers to have a real conversation. Rukia was nervous. She had never performed in front of anyone before, apart from the track she already had committed to tape. Adding to her stage fright was a growing concern as to how Soul Society would handle her ambitions. She could face a dishonorable discharge and a few hundred subsequent lashings from the punishment force in the very least. At the most? Probably death. Then again, Byakuya seemed to have just left to pursue his "art" on a whim. Maybe her noble status could help? No matter; that was still down the road and Kisuke was definitely one to pull strings, so something would work out.

As they approached the shop, Yoruichi, who was casually reading on the front porch and trying desperately to muffle the pounding bass and screaming leads coming from within, greeted them.

"I take it my brother's inside?" Rukia asked with a smirk.

"Yup. About friggin' time too. He showed up half an hour ago, spent the past fourteen hours going from club to club, celebrating the "discovery" of his new backup girls. He's laying down some of the demos now before they show up," she replied, never looking up from her novel, but wincing occasionally as the faint sound of a horrible lyric echoed to the vestibule.

"How's my dad handling it?" Ichigo said while staring into the shop, imagining what was going on in the studio.

"He went home. Kisuke called an old friend to help him out so you two can have a real graduation party. And a family income."

"Old friend?" Ichigo asked aloud as he and Rukia went to receive their daily dose of aural pain. Both of them cringed at the sour notes gurgling out of Byakuya's throat, increasing in volume as they neared the sound room. Just as they reached the door, another voice ripped through the entire building.

"Fucking dumbass! Get it right; I'm not sitting through another take of this shit until you can hit that "A" correctly! Jesus!" a high, female voice screeched. Ichigo shuddered, and threw open the door, confirming his suspicions. There, next to Urahara at the mixing consol, sat Sarugaki Hiyori screaming a stream of profanity at the hapless nobleman.

"Oh good lord, it's you!" Ichigo hollered while pointing at the small, irritable woman.

"Keep it down. God, this is annoying enough as it is without you making a scene." Ichigo turned and found Hirako Shinji lounging on the studio couch. He looked more bored than irritated and was busying himself in various pop-culture magazines, doing his best to stay off of the musical frontline.

"Are any of the other Visoreds here?" Ichigo asked warily, not looking forward to seeing the dysfunctional band of soldiers.

"Nah, just us." Shinji started, "the rest are all packing up and getting ready to follow Jimmy Buffet on tour for the summer."

"Oh god."

"I know! Oh god!" Shinji threw his arms in the air. "We should be there with them! We work hard, we party hard. We've been Parrotheads since day one, and this is the first year I have to miss out!"

"No one said you had to stay here, moron." Hiyori said casually.

"Yeah, and let you start a world war or something? Don't think so."

"I don't need a babysitter!"

"But you _do_ need someone who's not afraid to kick your ass!"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Kisuke interrupted. "Who said I'm not an ass kicker? Hiyori was my lieutenant, remember. I think I can control her a…" Urahara was cut off as the girl in question threw one of her sandals into his face.

"And this is why I'm here…" Shinji said quietly and let the conversation drop.

"I think it's break time." Kisuke said, massaging this nose a bit before slouching in his chair and slowly spinning it around a bit. Shinji and Hiyori left the studio (with an argument over television channels erupting soon afterwards in the living room), and Byakuya headed to the kitchen for yet another refrigerator raid. Urahara made a mental note to heavily bill him for the food at the end of the project.

"Trouble at home?" Rukia asked with a chuckle as she took a seat on the now vacant couch.

"If it keeps up like this, I'll lose my bed privileges indefinitely. In both ways." He gave a mischievous wink before sighing heavily. "I think I'm losing what little sanity I have left. I've been awake for almost forty hours now, and I keep hearing this little man talking to me inside my head. He's telling me about a magical forest and candy cane trees."

"Well at least you weren't up all night cleaning the ruins of your own home." Ichigo blurted, showing no interest in Kisuke's overacted, sarcastic drivel.

"Like you actually helped." Rukia said quite blatantly. Ichigo merely rolled his eyes. His exam preparations, and a few "study breaks" with his partner, where the greater issues on his mind.

"I was actually recording some of my own performances," Kisuke replied. "It's been quite some time and I'm concerned with the details."

"I told you before, get over it and get some confidence!" Yoruichi said as she entered the studio now that it was safe. "How'd your video do online?"

"Ugh. I forgot about that."

"Well, check it out. Don't mope over bullshit, especially when you haven't even bothered to look!" Yoruichi took the seat next to Kisuke as he loaded his browser. Ichigo and Rukia moved in closer to watch the former captain's recording.

"What the fuck do some of these comments even mean?" He asked while looking at the poorly written text plaguing his submission. "I have no idea what, and I have no intention of figuring out what FTWMF is supposed to mean. Can anyone speak anymore?"

Most of the comments were good, their authors loving every second of Kisuke's interpretation of Mendelssohn. The rest were generally chain letters warning about a stalker killing a stranger's mother, or ads for porn. One in particular drew a lot of attention from the shinigami in the studio. It was a message from a user calling himself "JakobsApparatus" that simply read: 'put on some pants'.

"What the fuck is that supposed to be?" Kisuke shouted to his monitor. "I'm tearing this bastard a new one!"

"Oh come on, let it go." Ichigo insisted. "Just look at his username, it's obviously just some thirteen year old jerk with no life." The strawberry's plight went unanswered as Urahara began typing his response.

'Dear Jakob. I'm sorry I offended you by dressing like a normal man would. I have no idea what fantasy world you are looking at, but it is clearly not my video. Kindly leave me alone and find yourself a life and maybe you can be as good as this someday.'

"There, that should put that little shit in his place!" Kisuke beamed. "Hmm, I guess I do have a little self-esteem hidden in there!" Yoruichi smiled at her partner; for the first time in years he was finally coming to terms with himself. Then the response came, this time from a different user calling himself "ijustdidafart". It said: 'Not gonna lie. You really do sound like shit. Just because you're Asian doesn't make you good at classical music. Some advice (it's what I'm good at), get yourself a sports bra; the way that piano digs into your right tit when you lean in to turn off the camera is not the least bit flattering and is making me quite ill. Thanks.'

Kisuke's could feel the nerves on his face tingling as it began to change color. This was obviously the same person. The ridiculous name and quick response were proof enough. Inhaling deeply, he began his next response, again to the chagrin of his friends.

'I'll have you know that I'm a long time performer with decades of experience and credentials. Just what the fuck are you looking at anyway? What part of that comment makes any sense?' Again, a reply followed just minutes later reading: 'You tell me there, Urahara "Rack of the Year" Kisuke. I'm sorry that more than one person thinks you suck. If any of that bullshit you preach to me were true, you'd have a better performance than this. I'd like to see you try to play Chopin. Oh wait, now I wouldn't. I've already seen Mendelssohn butchered, I don't need to see another great musician ruined by the likes of you. I could understand if the creator were a 7th grader, but seeing you, and then some of the people actually liking this tripe, makes me severely worried about the future.'

"Let it go. It's just some kid." Ichigo said, backing away as the rage grew in Kisuke's eyes. It was obviously a Westerner, given that he was unknowingly calling the performer by his last name first, and that he was completely ignorant of Japanese traditions in that sense. Now, if he could only get this user's IP address, trace it, and find his house…

"Ichigo and I should really get going. We have a date tonight…" Rukia said, making her way to the door as soon as she saw a capillary burst in Urahara's left eye. Nothing was said as the two shinigami left to prepare for their evening.

"Calm down. You still have a few of those anxiety meds. Want one?" Yoruichi said very easily. He nodded slowly, and quickly downed two when his partner returned with the bottle. It was nearly fifteen minutes before anything else was said.

"So fucking much for that!" He finally shouted. "Screw confidence. Now I remember why I drank! I can't fucking believe the nerve of some people!" Kisuke was now storming about the studio and smacking his chair around until his hands were red and swollen. By this time, his medication had kicked in and he was feeling a little better.

"I'll cancel the rest of the night." Yoruichi said sternly. "I'm getting you out of here for the night and letting you have some fun!" The scientist could barely smirk through the dying rage and tranquilizers, but it _would_ do him some good.

"Okay. Let me shower and get a nice jacket first, then we can find out where Kurosaki is taking Ms. Kuchiki!"


End file.
